Vol. IV, Number F
David Hogg Seen Leaving MMA Dojo in a Wheelchair
In response to an anonymous tip, we rushed a correspondent to the Little Tiger dojo on 15th Street. Our guy, Cary Oki, arrived to see Hogg being wheeled out of a rear entrance in a wheelchair. He refused to answer questions from our reporter but hurled incoherent obscenities and f-bombs at him instead.
To learn more, Oki entered the dojo and questioned the sensei and was told that Mr. Hogg had enrolled in karate classes last month because he had been experiencing bullying from middle school kids and wanted to defend himself. Even though his training hadn’t progressed to where he was ready to compete with the others in his class, Hogg demanded that he be allowed to enter a match of 10-year-old students and promptly got his ass whupped by Ann Chovey, a 65-pound girl who had just received her yellow belt.
Apparently, Mr. Hogg, who supposedly holds a black belt in Bigtalkdo, believed that he could talk his way out of punches, kicks, and knee and elbow strikes by the diminutive Miss Chovey (who won the match easily) – he was wrong. His (armed) bodyguard wheeled him out amid jeers from the entire class and helped him into his stretch limo.
We caught up with him later at the Trashtaki School of Bigtalkdo where he is a Master Sensei. Our correspondent was not familiar with “Bigtalkdo” as one of the mixed martial art disciplines and asked Mr. Hogg to explain the style. Apparently, Bigtalkdo was created by a group of pacifist monks in the Rama Lama province of Japan during the Dung Dynasty. It is the ancient art of offensive verbal attack. Hogg was eager to explain how he could draw blood with a verbal jab or break a bone with a linguistic thrust and in fact, his mouth was considered a lethal weapon.
Cary Oki listened to Hogg’s drivel for several minutes before asking “why’d you get your ‘clock cleaned’ by a little 10-year-old girl?” Hogg flew into a rage and began hurling vicious epithets at Oki. Although Oki couldn’t understand the language, he did catch a few “motherf******” and f-bombs interspersed with flurries of rhetorical rubbish. After surviving several minutes of Hogg’s verbal attacks without any adverse effect, Cary smiled at Hogg and said, “ow.”
That incensed Hogg who drew a Smith M&P 9mm from under his karategi and threatened Oki, promising to “blow your [f***ing] head off.”
Our fearless reporter withdrew, but not before admonishing Hogg that, “if you’re gonna play with guns, you really ought to join the NRA.”
At that, Hogg fired several rounds at our rapidly retreating reporter. Thankfully, all missed. Apparently, Mr. Hogg’s proficiency with a handgun is no more lethal than his mouth.
The Red Hen restaurant in Lexington, VA will be closed for several days
The restaurant was recently in the news when White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked to leave because she worked in the Trump administration. She left peacefully but was harassed as she and her party left the establishment, driven out by what was later described as “large vermin.” The business is now closed and signage indicates that it will be closed for several days.
While several hazmat-clothed workmen could be seen going in and out, the owner was not on the premises. When Pesky Truth inquired, one of the workmen, Herb Avore, explained that they were fumigating the building to control an infestation of large, vicious vermin who were apparently preying on righteous, peaceful humans who merely stopped there for a meal.
One worker (wearing a MAGA cap) also explained that the term “vermin” is not limited to cockroaches, rodents, and other parasites, but is also used in the pest control industry as a term for vile humans and certain groups that are infected with TDS (Trump Derangement Syndrome), a particularly virulent strain of infectious political dementia. That infestation was evident when the vermin forced Sarah and her party to find a cleaner and more hospitable establishment.
So the pest control company was there to “Make the Red Hen Safe Again” (for supporters of President Trump).
Oh, that explains it.
Maxine Waters Wants Trump Enablers Ostrich Sized (What?)
Perhaps we’re wrong, but we believe that Rep. Waters meant “ostracized,” which means rejected or shunned from participation. She stated that Trump people should be harassed at restaurants, gas stations, shopping places, and even their homes until they relent and do her bidding on immigration. She was plainly calling for intimidation tactics in order to harass Trump supporters.
Except for her constituents, it’s widely recognized that if Auntie Maxine was any dumber, she’d have to be watered twice a week.
She said about Trump’s cabinet, “the people are going to turn you on,” we think she meant to say that the people would “turn on you” instead. During that Saturday rant, she also said, “If you see anybody from that cabinet in a restaurant, in a department store, at a gasoline station, you get out and you create a crowd. You push back on them. Tell them they’re not welcome anymore, anywhere!”
Damn, we’re not welcome anymore – ANYWHERE? What does she mean, we’re not welcome ANYWHERE? Who the hell is she to tell the president, his cabinet members, and his enablers, that they aren’t welcome ANYWHERE? It sure sounds like she’s inciting leftist to prevent supporters of the president from their freedom to assemble “anywhere.”
Who elected her Queen? Her constituents who are not smart to elect anyone except Maxine. She’s been elected thirteen (13) times as a House Representative for South Central Los Angeles (predominately black and Hispanic), and usually with over 70% of the vote.
Rep. Waters has passed just three bills in her 27 years in Congress (one renamed a post office). Yet in those years, she’s been recognized as the most corrupt member of Congress four separate times – which might explain how her family has accumulated more than a million dollars in assets during her time in the House – especially when she has the mental agility of a soap dish.
Maxine is constantly calling for the impeachment of President Trump. Of course, she had also called for the impeachment of every other previous president except Barack Obama (wonder why that is)? Could it be that she’s a black racist, pure and simple? In response, President Trump tweeted, “Congresswoman Maxine Waters, an extraordinarily low IQ person, has become, together with Nancy Pelosi, the Face of the Democrat Party.”
Truth be told; If her IQ was 2 points higher she would qualify as a rock.
Donrey Grump, together again (for the first time)
We could create a composite of Donald Trump and Trey Gowdy. Wouldn’t that be something!
Of course, we’d have to do something about the hair – neither of them has a politically acceptable head of hair.
Nonetheless, just think, you could listen to a speech by the newly-minted Donrey Grump and actually come away with a mental image of what he was describing and Donrey wouldn’t repeat things over and over, ad nauseam.
Donrey makes literal sense too; his speech patterns don’t conjure up an image of a IQ-ly challenged sideshow barker and he doesn’t exaggerate bigly – at least, not too overly bigly.
So, it’s easy to see that the Donray composite could capture the best of both men when it comes to speechifying and conversating and it’s obvious that the Gowdy rhetorical DNA was dominant over Trump’s rhetorically-challenged genetic set.
That’s where the Trump DNA comes into play. The Trump genetic instructions won out over Gowdy’s passive chain in the area of actually getting things done. Gowdy has “talked a good game” so many times over the past few years, and if he had followed through and actually accomplished something, his DNA would have come closer to Trump’s. But, through the years, Gowdy’s been a consummate talker, but all for naught since actual concrete results have eluded him.
Getting things done is the most dominant aspect of Trump’s DNA – although he is lacking in so many other ways. His demeanor sucks, he frequently teeters on the edges of truth, and he has a tough time feigning sincerity, but the man gets results; tangible results.
On the other hand, Donray has a sincere look about him. There’s no permanent smirk and he looks sincere, and when he says something sensible, we naturally believe him – and we’ll be justified in that confidence since the “new, improved” Donray Grump will do what he says he will do – it’s inherent in his DNA.
Just think, a new president who can effectively ‘splain plans and programs to the American public – and – they’ll understand them – and – we can be confident that he’ll follow through and actually accomplish what he said he’d do.
Our new composite president, President Donray Grump, will really “Make America Great Again” and the entire country (even democrats) will love him.
Categories: Humor & Satire