NOTE: I wrote this almost four years ago in 2013, but with all of the publicity that Nancy Pelosi has been getting in recent months during 2017, I thought that it was worth “resurfacing” again. Again, when reading through it, remember that it is a 2013 vintage piece and references to people reflect that time. Garnet92.
Nancy Pelosi said this about Obama last Thursday: “He has been … open, practically apolitical, certainly nonpartisan, in terms of welcoming every idea and solution.” Can you believe she actually said that?
She must have been talking about some other Obama, perhaps Keyshawn Obama, or Raheem Obama, or U’darius Obama? She couldn’t possibly been referring to the Partisan-in-Chief, Barackyou Obama.
And he welcomes every idea? From who? Michelle? Reggie Love? Vladimir Putin?
The crinkly old crone is finally showing the effects of her too numerous reconstructive surgeries. They’ve apparently created fissures in her rapidly calcifying gray matter (in fact, it’s so atrophied, it is no longer gray matter, it’s more like charcoal matter).
In deference to her obvious senility, we’ve held off from ridiculing her in recent months, but no more. Considering that she and her band of democrat thugs have done to rape the country, it’s the least we can do in return.
We’ve been sitting on a story leaked to us by a staff member at a reconstructive clinic where Pelosi has had a potholectomy performed to correct some erosion of previous Botoxing. Since she has been out of the public eye, we saw no reason to remind anyone that she even existed. But now, her over-the-top praise of our Obfuscator-in-Chief pushed us over the edge, and we feel honor bound to expose what lies beneath the surface of Nancy Pelosi’s humanoid façade.
The story comes straight from the operative notes dictated during the procedures and was supplemented by statements from two onsite witnesses. The potholectomy was performed by Dr. Seymour Heine at his Folsom Street clinic in San Francisco, CA.
The story narrative combines the operation notes, commentary provided by two participating witnesses and corroborating testimony by Dr. Heine.
Once again, Pelosi called upon noted facial reconstructionist Dr. Seymour Heine. He is Nancy’s reconstructive guru and he specializes in the repair of facial cracks, rutting, sunken trenches and general resurfacing. She now has him on retainer to be immediately available in the event of flaking, crusting, or catastrophic sagging of facial components.
As required by his malpractice insurance carrier, Dr. Heine takes photos of a patient as they progress through the reconstructive process. Following is Fig. 1, a “before” picture taken just prior to Dr. Heine’s extensive reconstructive procedures.
WARNING: Do not allow the following image (Fig. 1) to remain stationary on your PC screen for more than 20 seconds or risk stoppage of your system clock.
IF YOU IGNORE THIS WARNING: all of your little binary worker bits (the 1’s and 0’s) will choose biticide rather than continue to display anything so unnaturally grotesque.
Your PC will roll over on its back, put four little paws in the air and expire.
Writing in the Journal of Reconstructive Folly, Dr. Heine detailed the procedures that were necessary to bring Mrs. Pelosi’s face up to code. Renovation was so extensive that Dr. Heine was required to secure a building permit.
It was necessary to remove the existing epidermis and flabbodermis to a depth of 7 mm (exceptionally deep), and then remove scale, mold, and dermal debris to provide a clean base surface. A tack coat of tar emulsion was applied to aid in the adhesion of a new surface.
Compaction was necessary to smooth out ripples and bumps, followed by multiple layers of a polymer-modified bitumen material. A latex grout was troweled into surface deformations and hairline cracks to facilitate smoothness, durability, and skid resistance.
Figure 2 illustrates how the corrective procedures have improved the upper portion of the patient’s facial jobsite.
Dr. Heine hasn’t yet addressed the nose or lips, both of which will require additional demolition and debris removal before replacing those appendages with newly crafted prosthetic parts. Fortunately, the clinic has space in their dumpster for the volume of debris that will be removed from the jobsite (the former Speaker’s “face”).
Fig.3 focuses on her newly constructed Bondo® nose, which has not yet been ground down or chiseled, thus the very sharp pointy tip.
An unfortunate incident delayed the operation when Mrs. Pelosi’s nose accidentally punctured a clipboard being carried by Tess Tickle, an intern recording Dr. Heine’s narrative. The clipboard was rendered “clinically impaled” and therefore useless, until two nurse assistants labored for ten minutes to remove the impaled clipboard from Mrs. Pelosi’s pointy proboscis.
In Fig.4, Dr. Heine is shown checking the Speaker’s face to quantify the amount of loose or excessive skin. There appears to be enough epidermal excess to make a toaster cover and some placemats, although Mrs. Pelosi is known to favor skin lampshades.
Another unusual incident marred an otherwise precision operation when Dr. Heine lost his grip on the Speaker’s excess skin and the elastic-like rebound of the plastic skin to its natural droop caused a flap-flap-flapping sound (not unlike an old roller window-shade) which terrified the doctor’s pet cat “Tummytuck” into convulsions. The cat later cashed in life #3.
Fig.5 represents the semi-final stage in the two-stage procedure. Here the Speaker is displaying the new pulled-back and stapled skin, silicone implants (cheekal, not boobal), stick-on Jolié® lips and specially-woven pubic hair eyebrows. The hair is a wig held in place by hook and loop (Velcro®) fasteners to cover the ring of staples holding her facial façade in place.
This is a delicate stage in the reconstruction, and while the Speaker is beginning to look “normal,” various parts of her face are merely tack-welded in place and could be undone by the release of a vigorous fart.
In Fig. 5, the Speaker’s appendages are shown in their final locations and only the mouthal region remains to be completed. One may notice that the teeth appear to be tightly clenched together. That is the result of another unfortunate accident.
It happened when Eileen Dover, the doctor’s surgical assistant, jumped when Dr. Heine playfully squeezed her left buttock and she squirted too much cyanoacrylate (Krazy Glue®) between Mrs. Pelosi’s teeth. As a result, they are fixed in a continuous smile until they can be hydraulically separated.
Though he keeps his political leanings separated from his professional activities, as a Republican, Dr. Heine was tempted to leave Mrs. Pelosi’s teeth permanently glued together. But knowing that she talks out of both sides of her mouth anyway, he finally let his promise to his patient override his better judgment and ordered the “Jaws of Life™” from a rental store.
Until her teeth are separated, Mrs. Pelosi is taking nourishment nasally, (she seemed to be especially fond of snorting powdered earthworm castings).
One can begin to appreciate the improvements that will result from these substantive cosmetic procedures. At this stage, Dr. Heine has completed the subterranean underlayment that will support the final skin grafts and has only a final application of Bondo®, block sanding and detailing before gluing on Nancy Pelosi’s new face. Some of Pelosi’s detractors may consider that using Gorilla Glue® as his adhesive of choice is entirely appropriate.
Once the final scaffolding was removed, Figure 5 shows a reconstructed Pelosi whose appearance is similar to what she looked like when she was 50ish. But she was adamant that she wanted to look much, much younger, and “like a movie star” – a really tall order.
It was time for the second stage, the finale of Dr. Heine’s symphony. After preparing his “canvas,” the master was ready to begin the task of making beautiful what previously was grotesque.
He worked like a man possessed, fingers flying back and forth between his palette of clay and colors, a touch here, a rub there, he was at once, Botticelli, Rubens, and Rembrandt engrossed in his art, making a silk purse out of what was a sow’s ear (which is being complimentary to Mrs. Pelosi). Gradually, the beast was being transformed into a beauty.
When he was done, he stepped back and sighed. It was his crowning achievement. He had created a masterpiece.
Figure 6 is the “after” picture, taken following completion of the final procedures, a complete clay bar detailing, and an application of Meguiars paste wax.
Cosmetic engineers and facial reconstructionists have been known to work magic, and Dr. Heine certainly did with Mrs. Pelosi. One can hardly recognize Fig. 6 as the same woman as in Fig. 1. Dr. Heine is considered the Michelangelo of California Reconstructive Magicians. He has truly worked a miracle here.
Quite a remarkable job, eh?
Celebrity gossip has Brad Pitt now wanting to trade an aging Angelina in on a “young” Nancy Pelosi. Doesn’t he know that one or more parts could come off in his hand?
Golly, vigorous lovemaking could leave the bed/floor/table/carnival ride littered with body parts? Brad had better be part handyman and part mechanical engineer … and have a lot of duct tape handy.
A later update: Everything went well until a minor 4.0 earthquake hit the San Francisco area and the tremors jiggled her lower lip off – but it’s ok, she has a bumper-to-bumper 12,000 mile warranty.
Categories: Humor & Satire