While rummaging through Pesky Truth’s nooks and crannies today, I came upon a potpourri of material, some humorous, some enlightening, some downright useless. In anticipation of a real through spring cleaning yet to come, I’m dumping some of that stuff here in the hope that some will find it worthwhile.
I’m passing this on because it worked for me today…
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives during this political campaign, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I’d started & hadn’t finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay,… a boddle of Baileys,… a buttle of wum,… tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins,… an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. Oh,… an telum u luvum.
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian”
Cabbie: “Brian Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong, and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m married to his f**king widow.”
Sad news from Disney:
This is so disappointing. CNN reported today that Walt Disney’s new film called “Jet Black,” the African-American version of “Snow White” has been canceled!!!
All of the 7 dwarfs: – Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing, “Hi Ho, Hi Ho” because they say it offends black prostitutes.
They also say there ain’t no way in hell they’re gonna sing “It’s off to WORK we go.”
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dream and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
You know, he said, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?
No, she replies. You just happened to catch my eye.
One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, (a Mexican-American and quite swarthy when he was younger), a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, mowing his front lawn… as he always did when not on tour.
A woman driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked him, “Excuse me, do you speak English?”
Lee responded, “Yes Ma’am, I do.”
The woman then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”
Lee replied, “Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her.”
The woman hurriedly drove off.
Whew! That was work! I hope that some of youse guys appreciate a little humor. I’ll leave you with one final word of wisdom: be patient, even a toilet can only handle one asshole at a time.
Categories: Humor & Satire