No one can pinpoint an exact date when the left solidified their stranglehold on the U.S.A., it just sorta happened. We were like the proverbial frog in a pot of water – at first the water was cool and refreshing, then cozy and warm, and in the blink of an eye, we were frog soup.
First, they took the Presidency, next they took control of the Senate, then they gained a majority in the House and finally, named members of the Supreme Court to give them a 7-2 majority. And then the flood gates opened and changes came – one after another – nothing was sacred – we were doomed.
We learned about these events because of recently discovered papers detailing how Michel Nostradamus “saw the future.” Those documents enabled scientists to build a device that can actually see the world yet to come.
Over several months of viewing sessions, the scientists documented observations of life as it will be with liberals in charge – it’s not a pretty picture. You can think of the events they describe as predictions of what will be … IF WE ALLOW THEM TO HAPPEN.
A note of warning: some of the material might be considered “PG,” so if you’re easily offended, some other reading might be more appropriate. It should also be mentioned that much of this piece was written in 2008, thus some of the references are dated. I’ve updated some items, added some, deleted some and otherwise tried to improve details of the rather dismal overall forecast. Garnet92.
1. The Environment
The government has mandated the reduction of personal body temperatures from 98.6 to 97.4 to reduce global warming. Any citizen with a temperature above the baseline (97.4) is subject to ice water enemas until body temperature returns to the new “normal.”
Citizens are required to skip every other breath (to reduce CO2 emissions) and to release flatulence only in their own homes (or be fitted with a personal fart-scrubber).
PETV (People for the Ethical Treatment of Vermin) has finally succeeded in adding cockroaches to the endangered species list. Any activity that disrupts a cockroach’s lifestyle is prohibited. The ban specifically prohibits turning on a kitchen light at night.
Now that the air is cleaner, pollution is no longer restraining natural evolution. One unfortunate effect is that the Texas Horny Cockroach is now the size of a small dog and has learned to upend a human who tries to step on one. People should be especially wary of those wearing red bandannas as they have formed a gang and will retaliate via a “scurry-by” attack.
When satellite-mounted prisms were deployed to redirect the sun’s energy to solar collectors, an unintended side-effect plunged northern California into darkness. Polls conducted in the other 56 states show that 57% think that northern California had been “in the dark” for years anyway, 31% responded that San Francisco and Oakland had gone over to the “dark side” a long time ago, and 12% said “it was a racist plot to keep the darkies from being seen.”
A number of California cities, flush with success after banning all types of smoking everywhere, are submitting legislation to ban undocumented wildfire smoke from their jurisdictions. “That smoke simply doesn’t have the right to come in to our city without going through proper channels. It’s a matter of honoring our borders,” said Nosmo King, spokesperson for “The Coalition to Stop Undocumented Smoke Now.”
Wind power as an energy source has had only limited success. Studies show that the only locations with a dependable supply of hot air was where the politicians were speaking. These speeches resulted in clouds of flatulent air characterized by a certain pungency known to cause olfactory distress to any unfortunate soul that happened to be downwind. HINT: stay upwind.
With the seas subsiding (dropping almost a foot since 2047) the newly available beachfront real estate has proven an economic boon for the government. Since the “Steal the Beach Act of 2048“, the federal government automatically owns any property created by retreating water. Proposed uses for the valuable property include golf courses and resorts for union bosses, vacation homes for members of the Politburo, and nude beaches for especially buxom females.
Immigration policies were completely restructured so that Vegetation Control Technicians and Fruit Acquisition Specialists (and their families) are automatically registered as democrat voters upon “crossing the plane” of the southern U.S. border. Voting proxies are also filed which give the Speaker of the Politbureau (currently Nun C. Pelosi) the right to cast votes on their behalf.
Due to Mexico’s refusal to pay for it, President Trump’s Great Wall was reduced to a height of only 14 inches all along it’s almost 2,000 miles. Activists now want it demolished. They complain that too many immigrants sustain injuries when stepping over it. Stubbed toes and skinned knees are accidental injuries covered under the Safe Border Crossing Act of 2024 with disability payments paid to those injured by that pesky wall.
Amnesty has been granted to all “pre-legal” immigrants already in the U.S. They’ll receive U.S. citizenship along with a check to cover retroactive benefits. The payment is to compensate them for benefits to which they would have been entitled if they’d gotten here sooner. The Department of Compassion didn’t want to penalize them for late arrival.
The Department of Compassion has started another progressive program, called the “level playing field” program. It applies to all citizens, regardless of their native language or country of origin. Effective Jan. 1, all government documents and signage will be produced in Esperanto only, thus removing any advantage that English-speaking citizens would have had over disadvantaged immigrants. “We just want everyone to have an equal opportunity,” said Director Dr. Pepe Roni.
And to further the diversity of language, a signing bonus is paid to those who do not speak English and will promise not to learn. Opponents complain that this is just to justify the $606 billion dollars spent on Esperanto signage.
With large concentrations of new citizens flexing their political muscle, the state previously known as “Texas” will be renamed “Texico,” California is being renamed “Tacofornia,” and efforts are underway in Arizona to change that state’s name to “Refried Arizona.”
The contentious issue of jobs for the new citizens was put to rest by hiring all undocumented immigrants into government jobs. The new employees were easily trained by existing bureaucrats to adopt the classic government employee attitudes of belligerence, and hostility.
A new class of government employee has been created to provide interpretive services between the usual, everyday government workers and citizens who require assistance. Since civil service union rules prohibit government workers from actually helping citizens, the new employees will act as if they care, thus relieving civil servants from the stress of pretending.
One of the most sought-after new jobs is Terrorist Screener. With profiling forbidden, terrorists are required to voluntarily self-identify themselves as terrorists and specify “murder and mayhem” as the purpose for their visit. Absent such evidence, the new immigrant is welcomed. The new program has been hailed as a success since the number of terrorists entering the country has been reduced to zero.
As a result of the new immigration policies, Mexico’s entire population has immigrated to the U.S. – Mexico is now empty.
Since Obamacare failed, a new plan has been implemented. Called ACME-Care, the universal healthcare program covers everything, cradle-to-grave, for every citizen. Even state-of-the-art procedures like leaching, blood-letting, and epoxy enemas are fully covered.
Though largely unsuccessful in his previous attempts, Minister of Health W. E. Coyote, is leading the research to find a vaccine for the elusive Roadrunner strain of bird-flu. As a result of his personal participation in the bird-flu research, Minister Coyote contracted the dreaded “Meep Meep” virus and periodically has relapses causing unusual accidental injuries (mostly involving mountains, jet power, or TNT).
Being overweight is no longer a problem. Fat suctioning has become common. Fortunately, ACME-Care covers all procedures that suck, like: thighposuction and rumposuction. And, with a nod towards recycling, the removed fat is then rendered into a tasty cooking oil and sold to fast food chains. Yummy! French fries and onion rings never tasted so good!
Under ACME-Care, the onset of an illness must be scheduled in advance and requires a 10-day wait period prior to treatment. Accident treatement must also be scheduled, but the Department of Compassion mandates that they only require a 3-day wait. NOTE to patients: Please be patient when scheduling an accident or illness, ACME-Care Schedulers are not required to communicate and have difficulty with any activity more demanding than slumping.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Explosive Diarrhea is exempt from scheduling but requires a 48 hour notice to dispatch a hazmat team to hose-down walls, floors, and innocent bystanders after the event subsides.
The new drug powerhouse Price-Spitzer, Inc. has received FDA approval for two new drugs, Obamacillin and Obamamycin. Dubbed the “Messiah Drugs”, they have been responsible for complete eradication of jock itch, yeast infections, and constipation.
Commercial companies have secured contracts with ACME-Care. For example, IKEA offers stylish Scandinavian replacement organs. Oscar Meyer and Kwik Kar operate chains of clinics that install and service the replacement lips, noses, ears, toes, etc., and Fancy Feast provides used-organ disposal services.
Always popular, Pep Boys drive-thru cosmetic surgery centers are also covered. They are known for their “buy one, get one free” promotions. Manny, Moe, and Jack happily provide personal hands-on after-care for boob jobs (boobs are big at Pep Boys), with buttockal reductions following close behind.
Due to their popularity, equine penile transplants are no longer covered under ACME-Care. They’re now available only at auctions conducted by Sotheby’s and Christie’s where the lots are identified as “Penis by the Pound.”
Woodup and Limpbegon are replacements for Viagra and Cialis. The new ED drugs utilize a two part formula (Extender and Hardener) that activates when applied vigorously to the member. As a limited time promotional package, Woodup comes with nifty toss-rings and horseshoes. Not to be outdone, Limpbegon is offering small national flags and sock puppets.
WARNING: African-American men should not apply in a confined space such as a small bathroom, a phone booth, or while in line at the DMV. Additionally, care should be exercised if applying in a parking garage as several Morris Minis have been impaled.
Abdul’s Airline is the only passenger airline still flying. Fares have increased so much that most ticket purchases now are paid by installment loan. Abdul Air’s rate structure determines fares by fare class, passenger weight, and odds of safe arrival.
Abdul Air no longer allows checked baggage for its cheapest fares since cargo space has been reconfigured to carry those passengers. The cheapest seats, called “Inert Class,” are not pressurized or heated. Oxygen and blankets are available from the attendant for a nominal fee.
With the elimination of checked baggage, passengers have resorted to creative ways of getting prohibited articles past the screening stations. In view of this new threat, full disrobing and body cavity inspections are now commonplace. Cavity inspectors wear full haz-mat covering and receive hazardous duty pay for performing the intrusive activity.
Some have complained that attractive females were sent through a special screening line and were evaluated separately. College scholarships and Neiman-Marcus gift certificates were awarded to those receiving high marks from a panel of judges. Judge positions have become so sought-after, they are now traded on the NYSE.
Personal mobility utilizes vehicles manufactured by Yugo Ltd. The most popular model, the “Yugo-girl”, runs fine for 28 days, then becomes uncooperative and hard to start for a few days. Yugo recommends that men avoid contact with this model during the cranky period.
Gasoline and diesel fuels have been replaced by an inexpensive renewable resource – i.e., legume (bean) power. Efficiency is excellent; thirty-two ounces (2 16oz cans) of navy beans will power a vehicle for about 400 miles and about $5 will “gas up” (in the truest sense) at any convenience store or truck stop.
Performance-minded drivers will find that jalapeno ranch beans provide maximum power but the excessively hot gasses tend to really, really, burn the exhaust pipe.
Pre-teen male bystanders are cautioned not to light a match in an exhaust trail left behind by a bean-powered vehicle or risk singed facial and arm hair.
New bean-powered two-wheeled vehicles, known as “pooter scooters” are now becoming popular, as are the new helmets worn by scooter drivers. The special scooter helmets contain built-in respirators to filter out the pungent exhaust when there is a following wind.
The EPA hasn’t yet figured out why the green gaseous “contrail” following behind a bean-powered vehicle appears to wilt weeds and kill small rodents. However, they are reluctant to ban the vehicles since millions of highway maintenance dollars are saved by keeping the streets weed-free.
Detractors complain that the vehicles emit foul-smelling fumes, but proponents point to savings over petroleum vehicles – even with their musical exhaust note and safe, but smelly emissions. A marketing slogan offered by the Bean Power Institute is “Bean power – it’s OK to pass gas … stations.”
To combat competition from alternative fuels, Shell, Mobil, and Exxon introduced a marketing campaign using a pricing model pioneered by food and candy suppliers. They’re publicizing a reduction in the price of gasoline to $2.00gl. Concurrent with the price reduction, the unit of measure was changed from a gallon to a “galun”. Abbreviated “gl”, a galun = 2 quarts.
All stop signs have been removed. Intersections now contain “PIT” signs (Please Interrupt Transit) encouraging drivers to voluntarily defer right-of-way. The word “STOP” was seen as too bossy and did not consider how it might intimidate troubled individuals. Some drivers stopped what they were doing (makeup, shaving, eating, text-messaging, etc.) some drivers simply stopped (and are still there), and a few stopped breathing and died.
Traffic signals are being moved because the Ministry of Spiritual Guidance determined that placement of the traffic lights was all wrong from a Feng Shui perspective. The Ministry is confident that balancing the Feng Shui is more important than drivers actually being able to see a traffic signal anyway.
Proper Feng Shui placement resulted in some odd locations for the traffic lights. For example, Felonious Jones was surprised to find officials installing a traffic light on his patio (his neighbor already has one under a large oak tree). Other locations identified by critics include a Taco Bell drive up, and a Macy’s parking garage. Feng Shui supporters say that even when the lights can’t be seen by drivers, they’re still projecting good Chi.
Additionally, a study showed that the red “stop” light was a color associated with anger and could promote aggressive actions. The “yellow” light implied cowardice of the driver, which resulted in an “oh yeah, I’ll show you, asshole!” reaction. Only the “green” light had no negatives, although it did trigger levels of sex pheromones sufficient to make people horny.
Problems resulted when a Departments of Transportation trial placed temporary covers on the red and yellow lights, leaving only the green light visible in all directions. The result was a bunch of horny people, all trying to get through an intersection at the same time. Usually, the men got through quickly while the women complained because the men got through before they did.
5. World Affairs
The “Safer World for Our Children” treaty was ratified in December when the world’s powers destroyed all of their nuclear stockpiles and committed to abolishing all warlike actions. The treaty is hailed as the “end of all hostilities and the start of a peaceful future for our children.”
The next day, when they verified that the world’s powers had indeed destroyed their stockpiles of WMDs, Iran announced they just remembered where they had misplaced their secret nuclear arsenal and demanded that the entire world surrender immediately.
Our Unconditional Peace Negotiator, D. Licious O’Bama was caught off guard by Iran’s move, he believed them to be benign and thought that they liked us, they really, really, liked us.
Hu Flung Dung, North Korea’s Dear Leader, threatened to boycott all dismantlement and arms freeze agreements and resume non-testing of its non-existent nuclear program (if it had one).
Orbiting spy satellites observed that there was not a golf-umbrella-sized mushroom cloud evident at one of North Korea’s facilities (it was not a nuclear test facility). Based on North Korea’s history, that would have been a successful non-test.
Israelistine is back at the negotiating table, attempting to resolve decades-old issues with itself. So far, the only agreement has North Gaza firing rockets into South Gaza on even-numbered days, while South Gaza returns fire to the north on odd-numbered days.
Since the discovery that Osama bin Laden was NOT killed by president Obama, the decades old search for the real Osama bin Laden continues. The search has been narrowed to the Waziristan region of Pakistan where some say he had gone to visit his girlfriend, Omama bin Saggin. While many have thought him dead for years, reports still persist of sightings. The most recent sighting was in a Starbucks in Parachinar where he was seen ordering a “decaf goat milk Latte.”
Since militant Islam is no longer able to persuade human volunteers to become martyrs, they’ve tried using trained monkeys to carry saddlebags of explosives into restaurants and town squares. Fortunately, the trained monkeys are smarter than the previous human “martyrs” and simply disarm the bomb and immediately go to the Virgin Monkeys ‘R Us Store to get their 72 virgin monkeys.
6. Politics and Government
After a failed attempt to replace the U.S. Supreme Court as the country’s highest judicial authority, the California-based Ninth Circuit issued its first ruling; it found that the United States’ Constitution was unconstitutional. Following on the Ninth Circuit’s history, the ruling was automatically struck down as have all Ninth Circuit rulings for the past 50 years.
The court also repealed all federal laws and noted that old laws were too strict and did not allow an opportunity for a “do-over.” Penalties for breaking a law were uncivilized and downright nasty and didn’t mitigate punishment when the offender was really, really sorry. The Justices have scheduled a hearing to consider the “Crossed Finger” defense.
All old laws have been replaced by “Suggestions” and in a rare case of accord, the court voted unanimously to require that all Suggestions begin with the word “Please” and end with “if you don’t mind.”
The U.S. no longer votes for a president. Our “Dear Super Savior” is now selected by exit poll votes taken from shoppers leaving Sam’s Club and Costco. Ms. Willemina Clinton (Chelsea’s daughter, known as “Slick Willemina”) is in her final term as leader. After leaving office, she is expected to spend her time raising funds for the “Exposed Willie” wing of the Clinton Liberry and Massage Parlor initially created by her grandfather.
A Board of Ministers has replaced the old House and Senate congressional bodies. No longer are citizens inconvenienced by those pesky elections, the new governing board is bi-partisan, being composed of equal numbers of liberal progressives and progressive liberals.
The ASPCA has been picketing the Bush presidential library for months, ever since they learned that his administration had been committed to a “war on terriers.” Ms. Sue Phlay, spokesperson for the picketers, asked the tearful question “why did Bush start a war on terriers? What kind of man would declare war on those sweet little dogs”?
To save the children, all weapons have been outlawed. Included are any objects that might “cause harm,” including, but not limited to: rulers, brooms, mops, hoes (not ho’s), nail clippers, starched cloth, and any stiff paper capable of produciing vicious paper cuts. All pointed objects are prohibited, notwithstanding Harry Reid’s head and Nancy Pelosi’s nose.
While citizens are not allowed to possess weapons of any sort, there is a flourishing underground market for pearl handled paperweights, stainless steel frying pans, and assault bookends.
Jails and prisons have been abolished in favor of Emotional Focus Centers. A stay in one of the centers is truly challenging – meals consist of overdone croissants, domestic cheese, and generic box wine. Plastic dining ware and paper plates are almost more than a person can take. Leisure suits for men and burqas for women are polyester (gag) and a Starbucks break wagon only stops once a week. It’s a truly horrid place.
Male guests are encouraged to be friendly by picking up the soap when dropped in the communal shower. Introductions are suggested when entering the shower and/or showerer.
Unrepentant offenders are required to attend Dr. Phil lectures, participate in group hugs, and fondle elderly staff members. An especially repugnant offense gets the offender sponge-bath time with 83-year-old Mrs. Ginger Vitus, the 330 lb. enema matron.
The Ninth Circuit is currently reviewing whether forced fondling of the elderly constitutes cruel and unusual punishment. Wrinkle count, belly fold overlap, and degree of sag imposed by gravity will all be factors considered when determining the presence of cruelty.
A recently discovered memo from former SecDef Nancy Pelosi has conservatives up in arms. It authorized Tabasco enemas and Urine-boarding as approved methods of interrogation when extracting information from Republicans. Her office has admitted that she had authorized the methods, but they had since been stopped since Republicans have become extinct.
7. Homes and Living
All homes are now “boxes made of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.”
Cigarettes are banned but “medicinal” marijuana is widespread. Usage is at an all-time high; the majority of the adult population now have prescriptions. Chief among the causal elements is BDS (Bush Derangement Syndrome). Decades after his presidency, everything that is wrong anywhere, with anything, is still blamed on Bush. It’s amazing how he could be blamed for fathering some sixty-six thousand children, stealing millions of payment checks from the mail and eaten so many kid’s homework?
To prevent price-gouging and hoarding of munchies, the government has imposed strict price controls on Cheetos, Ding Dongs, and chili dogs. [On a positive note, the government continues to add snack foods to the Strategic Munchie Reserve].
Based on the universal condemnation of the “middle-finger salute”, a new series of finger displays has been created to allow an expression of roadway communication to be conveyed without words. For example, some of the new finger signs represent: “thanks for cutting me off,” “I appreciate sitting through another red light,” “it’s ok, I’ll find another parking space,” and “please drive slower, I’m in no hurry.”
All humans are now traceable via GPS since organic RFID transmitters have been introduced into the body via colorful “Bozo the Clown” suppositories.
Groceries are ordered from web sites and delivered by UPS. Sophisticated software allows “picking up” an item online and turning it on any axis to view any part of the package. Obviously missing is the tactile sensation of squeezing a fruit or vegetable. To address the need for squeeze, professional “fluffers” at shipping warehouses provide squeezing and feeling services as required by the customer.
The professional fluffer position has additional benefits; they are highly sought after on dating websites. In particular, those who specialize in banana and cucumber fluffing are in demand by males, while orange and grapefruit squeezers are prized by females.
The highly successful Holy Foods Market has introduced a new super-natural tofu product. Made of milk from free-range soys, the soy-milk curds are pressed into weiner-shaped cylinders. CEO I. B. Rotund has announced a public poll to help choose the new product’s name. So far, the leading contenders are “Tofrankies” or “Frankfurkies.”
8. The Population
Schools are no longer necessary; knowledge is no longer necessary; thinking is no longer necessary. All actions, reflexes and responses necessary for human life have been neurologically implanted by subliminal directives hidden in beer and feminine hygiene TV commercials.
In order to filter out imperfect human specimens, science now manipulates individual DNA elements prior to birth. Consulting with a Genetic “Chef”, parents select a base male or female model (other genders available in California) with optional features and upgrades chosen from a series of menus.
“Standard” children are assigned randomized DNA code and include few premium attributes. Premium attributes are available for an additional charge. Topping the premium options available for females are: blue eyes, blond hair, big boobs, and a tiny tush (all selections from the “Appetizer” menu). For males, a jumbo male member is the most popular upgrade from the “Meat” menu.
Native IQ on standard male models defaults to 70 and females to 80. Because of cross-genetic hybridization, the female logic quotient lags approx. 27 points behind that of males while their emotional code is generally about 41 points higher. It is no wonder that men and women have difficulty communicating. Sixty-eight points is the same IQ differential as was measured between a human male and cardboard.
The Politburo’s Thought Control division has developed a nefarious method of keeping the adult male population confused and under control. They simply provide Bud Lite beer bottles with pictures of nude women on them. When the beer is warm, the women are nude – but when the beer is chilled, the clothes come back. This puzzles and confuses most men who are torn between seeing “nekkid” women and wanting cold beer.
Since conservatives and Republicans have been rendered extinct, the average IQ of the remaining gene pool has dropped almost 30 points – with 71 now being viewed as “average.” Politicians attributed the apparent drop in intelligence to the state having taken over so many decisions previously made by free individuals. Speaking from a “reeducation” camp, several noted geneticists disagreed and believe the drop in native intelligence to be due to democrat voter inbreeding.
The People’s Athletics Ministry found that there were too many sports and determined to consolidate them. The new sports are less competitive yet still provide excitement, exercise, and personal fulfillment. As in all activities, losing is prohibited; scores are adjusted so that all participants win.
Sockey combines soccer and hockey. It’s played on an ice rink (pitch) measuring 105 meters by 75 meters. Hockey sticks have been classified as weapons and are outlawed. Instead, the players kick “butt.” The butt replaces a soccer ball and is an air-inflated rubber, buttock-shaped object.
Foosketball is a combination of football and basketball. Played with a football, the ball must be dribbled down the field rather than held in a player’s hand(s). Dribbling a football is tough (it bounces unpredictably) and teams score only when the foosketball is kicked through a window of a vintage Morris Minor that is doing doughnuts around the field.
Tolf uses aspects taken from both golf and tennis. Golf clubs and racquets are classified as weapons and are banned. A NERF-type ball is swatted with the hand and directed towards hanging rings in an effort to pass the ball through the ring. Teams are mixed foursomes and ride HoverRounds while maneuvering to avoid hazards (baby kittens and tiny furry puppies), scurrying about on the arena floor.
Track athletics were revised so that all runners start and finish at the same time (those finishing too early are penalized). Starter pistols are outlawed and runners “go” when the starter dog barks. Hurdles are banned because they are too hard to jump and someone could get hurt.
Relay runners can now only pass gas at the “handoff” since batons are outlawed as possible weapons. To run a good race, a runner must avoid positioning him/herself behind any other runner, especially in the four-farty relay.
Dangerous shot put and hammer throws have been replaced with balloon throws. The use of a balloon is temporary since PETB (People for the Ethical Treatment of Balloons) has filed suit claiming the events disrespect the balloon’s place in the cosmos.
With pole vaulting poles confiscated as possible weapons, five-meter vaults have become rare.
Clint Eastwood and Spike Lee remain at odds in the “casting wars”. They seem to be responding to each other by “in your face” casting. Latest rumors have Lee working on a movie titled “George Bush, Antichrist” in which Bush is played by Eddie Murphy. Eastwood countered with his new project “Martin Luther” and sources say that Larry the Cable Guy has been cast as MLK.
SA (Surround Around) is the newest home entertainment rage. With SA, a center seating circle is surrounded by lifelike effects occurring on all sides. It’s so realistic; it’s like being there. While dramas and nature shows have a strong following, the most popular titles are “Angelina Does Akron” and “Britney Does All 57 States.”
Celebrity Hunt is a hot new reality show where several paparazzi are released into a hedge maze to be hunted by two celebrity personalities. The pilot episode starred Naomi Campbell and Tom Cruise. The stars are armed with 500kV Taser stun guns and are anxious to show the paparazzi how much they appreciate the 24/7 stalking. As the game goes on, it becomes more and more challenging for the celebrities as they attempt to avoid the previously zapped smoking, charred, paparazzi.
With the reinstated Fairness Doctrine in effect, all talk shows have disappeared. The only thing left on radio that consistently gives both sides is Miller Lite’s “Great Taste, Less Filling” commercial running twenty-four hours a day (at least it is the one with the two hot babes mud-wrestling in their underwear, allowing imagination to make up for the lack of visuals).
Current top box office blockbusters reflect the aging of their stars. The hot five are: Indiana Jones and the Flaming Wheelchair of Doom, The Bourne Senility, National Lampoon’s Assisted Living Vacation, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Dentures, and Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Damp Depends.
Debate season is in full swing; sessions are scheduled by topic and are free to all. Next week’s topic is “Free Speech, Can We Tax It?” Last week, the teams explored the “Did Not, Did Too” conundrum, but when fights broke out between the debaters, the resultant carnage prevented a consensus. The ever-popular classic debate topic, “Trailer Trash or Intern” will be the final topic of the season with the author’s daughter Monica Clinton on hand to sign blue dresses.
11. Sex in the Future
Open-air sex is now prohibited. Sex is now restricted to “Booty Bags”. A self-contained, foil-lined sleeping bag for two (or more), the booty bags prevent excessive respiration/perspiration products from escaping into the atmosphere, aggravating global warming, and stinking up the place. It is recommended that the interior of the bag be fire-hosed out after heavy use.
The bags use built-in thermoelectric alternators to convert the captured energy to electricity, and then return excess power not used by the household to the electrical grid. The power company’s marketing includes a catchy slogan: “Boink your way to energy independence.”
A “Solo-Booty” is a smaller bag for individual use. These bags capture energy from personal activity and are outfitted for the three currently recognized genders (four in California). A vigorous user of the “Solo” bag can generate enough energy to entertain a small gathering (i.e., power a party boat, a DJ and sound system, or a Karaoke setup).
Condoms are no longer necessary since the invention of the Clapper Wrapper. The male simply inserts his appendage into the device and claps once. The sonic frequency of the clap causes a puff of gaseous latex to envelop the inserted item. Two claps causes the latex covering to gasify and disburse thereby removing it from the item. The marketing campaign has caused the slogan “Clap on, Clap off, the Clapper Wrapper” to become very popular.
Another new marital aid is now available for individuals lacking a “normal” sex drive. Called “Horny Helper,” it consists of a touch-sensitive injection unit which is implanted under the skin behind the left elbow. When rubbed, it releases a small amount (3ml) of the libido-enhancing drug “Getmesum.” Upon injection, the drug’s effect slowly rises from mild interest to that of a horny chimpanzee in about 10 minutes. Users are cautioned to activate only in private since running amok in public (e.g., post offices or movie theaters) are the legal responsibility of the horny amok-runner.
Categories: Humor & Satire