If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to “incorrect,” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
When I married Miss Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking for it.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The grass may be greener on the other side, but at least you don’t have to mow it.
I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
Money is the root of all wealth.
H/T to my friend Rock!
Categories: Humor & Satire