The Hoggtown Tattler [Satire]

Hoggtown Tattler masthead
 Hoggtown, Arklabama, USA

All the latest REDNECK news, gossip, and other swill from the heart of REDNECK country (sooooey)

Holotta Heiney awoke from her coma Monday to find her common-law husband Billy Bob Farkus getting frisky with nurse Rosie Bottoms. To make matters worse, while Holotta was comatose and bedridden, Billy Bob traded the wheels off their double-wide for a box full of shiny objects d’junk.

redneck trailer park 01

Billy Bob ready to welcome a visit from Architectural Digest.

Gossip around the trailer park is that Billy Bob plans to dump Holotta and move in with Rosie. The couple plan to live in Billy Bob’s pickup until Rosie completes redecorating her ’91 Oldsmobile (she’s doing it in Cape Cod Revival). Rosie has a reputation for being attracted to shiny stuff and it looks like Jim Bob’s new box of shiny objects d’junk did the trick. The Tattler wonders: should there be a prenup?

Dora Jean Moe finally had her triplets, and after consulting with her spiritual advisor, Madame Naomi, named them Eeany, Meany, and Miney.

A nose-pickin,’ booger flickin,’ good time was had by all at The Bingoplex Saturday night until an altercation brought the sheriff.

Mike Rotch was accused of conspiring with the bingo caller, “Cooter” Floot, to rig the evening’s high stakes game. Rotch won the $21.50 mega-jackpot when Floot called “G-44,” giving Rotch bingo. Bingofiles there knew that G-44 didn’t exist so they quickly grabbed Floot and held him down while his balls were thoroughly examined. None were found to have G-44 on them. The sheriff’s department assigned Granny “vise-grip” McCoy to hang onto Floot’s balls until the hearing.

In addition to arresting Rotch and Floot, bingo task force investigator Deputy Zeke found other evidence that helped to solve a wave of high-dollar bingo crime believed to be perpetrated by the Fettuccine and Linguine organized crime families.

The reputed head of the Fettuccine family, Don Semolina, denied any link to bingo crime and complained “We’re just ordinary businessmen trying to bring the glamour and excitement of bingo to Hoggtown’s senile old farts.”

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene

While ears should be cleaned regularly, it’s a job that should be done in private using one’s own truck keys.

A midnight madness sale at the Trailer Depot recently created a panic among Hoggtown’s citizens when the store sold out of duct tape. Horrified, Mayor Lem Phlegm asked “how could folks fix toilet seats, hold a car door shut, or repair upholstery without duct tape?” The town council agreed and voted to create a Strategic Duct Tape Reserve to insure Hoggtown’s survival when the Apocalyptic Duct Tape Event strikes in 2012.

Duct tape on boots

An example of properly applied duct tape.

Two local scholars (Lum Plunkett and Curly Nosehare) believe that the ancient Mayans created duct tape to hold up the stars and planets, and later used it to hold their ceremonial headdresses and codpieces in place. The writing on walls of their communal outhouses foretold an Apocalyptic Duct Tape Event that will occur on December 21, 2012, when all duct tape adhesive would liquefy and release its hold. Pants would fall down, doors would fly open, falling codpieces would expose a guy’s “junk,” and the stars and planets would fall from the sky. This begs the question: “where do the stars and planets go when they fall”?

In addition to the rusting automobile carcasses scattered about their front yard, the Chester Drawers family was proud of the assortment of long-dead 1970’s appliances sitting on their front porch (all in that ever-popular 70’s avocado green color).

Hoping to parlay the old refrigerators and washers into hard cash, Chester put the lot up for auction on eBay. Described as a “matching set of ‘green’ home appliances” in the listing, the bidding is currently up to $1,421 for the “green” collection. The bidders are led by environmental wackos hell-bent to buy anything “green.” The winning bidder will no doubt be pleased at all of the electricity the appliances will save by not actually working.

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene

On weddings: Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Success was not in the cards for Chardonnay Whyne. Her attempt to sell the naming rights to her hair styling salon brought only a single bid of $1. When she found out that the winning bidder was Harry Dandruff, she quickly cancelled the sale.

Poor Loomis Gump suffered a mental meltdown last week and is currently recuperating. While telling a story about one of his uncles (his mom entertained a lot of “uncles”), he forgot the uncle’s name. He tried, but couldn’t remember whether the uncle’s name was Richard Dick, Richard Richard, Dick Richard, or Dick Dick. He became concerned when he couldn’t remember and was sure he had come down with magnesia, so he made an appointment at Dr. Ben Dova’s clinic.

During examination, Loomis responded to a question from Dr. Dova by answering “Dick, doc.” All of a sudden something snapped and he kept saying “Dick, doc, Dick, doc, Dick, doc, until three o’clock when he cuckoo’d three times and disappeared behind a door. He’s resting comfortably now except that he still cuckoos every hour on the hour.

Baa-ba-rella

Rubella, the ewe, caught in a love triangle.

A fight broke out at the Embraceable Ewe rental store in downtown Hoggtown on Friday evening. It happened during their weekly social gathering, the farm animal mixer. Owner Otis Phugg said that two local suitors became combative while vying for the attention of the same ewe. Seems that each of them thought that they had established something special with Rubella (the ewe). Trying to avoid a scene, Rubella maintained her sheepish poise throughout the entire altercation.

Bystanders report that Cletus Jones got Rubella in the end (no pun intended) while the other unnamed suitor had to settle for an inflatable ewe named Baabaarella.

Last Sunday at the Wombat County Wheelbarrow Games, the favorite, “Booger” McCoy, was disqualified when tests confirmed that he couldn’t meet the requirement that he be smarter than his wheelbarrow. After the wheelbarrow scored 12 points higher than “Booger” on a standard IQ test, “Booger” complained, “It warn’t fair, I warn’t never learnt nothin’ about no eye cues.” The wheelbarrow declined comment.

Dewayne Pharted had to retire from the Dung Deliverance competition when he lost control of his modified True Temper 201B wheelbarrow and fell face-first into the load (122 lbs. of fresh dung). He was heard to mumble, “tastes like sh*t” as he was rescued from the pile. He was driven home by his brother Hoof after Doc Dova said that he was the drunkest redneck he’d ever seen. “He’s even too drunk to fish.”

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no. They tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and affect the taste of foods eaten with the fingers, especially sardines, pig feet, and when deep-dipping (up to the wrist).

Thelma Sue Bovine snagged a real buy at Lum’s Sheep Dip and Garage Sale on Sunday. She bought a First Place trophy awarded in the 2012 Wombat County Burp, Belch, and Fart contest.

redneck trophy

The Burp, Belch, and Fart contest trophy.

Thelma Sue has always aspired to winning her own BBF trophy. She is widely known as having polished her skills in the belch and burp categories, but was not as proficient in the fartal component. A freak outhouse accident several years ago left her with scars in her buttockal region that cause her rear end to whistle when she passes gas.

Judges have ruled that whistling overshadows the tonal purity of the sound and interferes with its natural resonance. The superfluous whistling therefore disqualifies her from farticipation.

Thelma Sue plans to display the newly acquired BBF trophy alongside the First Place trophies for Best Mud Pit Belly Flop that she won in 2001 and 2004.

The 2012 BBF winner, Dick Tactoe, had sold his prized trophy so he could buy a Big Mouth Billy Bass singing fish plaque. Bad luck struck Tactoe when Billy Bass stopped talking and would only waggle his tail. “If my girlfriend Thelma Sue would stop talkin’ and wiggle her tail around, I’d marry her” said Tactoe.

Madam Naomi announced that she’s recently added crystal ball gazing to her services. She has a new state-of-the-art Brunswick ball. Madame Naomi says that even though the 14 lb. ball looks like it’s solid black to ordinary folks, she has the spirit-assisted mystical power to see the misty images inside through the three viewing holes.

She reminds us that her other specialties include: palm-hair reading, interpreting tobaccy-spit ink blots, and ass-trology (analyzing the patterns created by the warts and pimples on  the buttockal expanse).

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene

Jaylene offers tips to women: Tame that pesky face, chest, and back hair without dangerous shears or string trimmers, it’s easy using duct tape!

Roscoe Monk has been bragging that Madame Naomi cast a personalized hairy-scope for him and found that he was born under the sign of Grits. Her chart concluded that he should either move to the Vatican and become The Pope or become a septic tank crap-sucker-upper. Moon is still considering his career options, though he is known to admire that funny hat the Pope wears.

Zeb Jones is still in hiding. Ever since his latest batch of backwoods brew got distributed to locals, cases of severe gastric distress have been reported and blamed on his farwater. “I was piezened,” claimed “Coleslaw” McCoo. “I ain’t peed, farted, or pooped since I drank that stuff, I’m so blowed-up, I’m mite-near ready to explode.”

Bubba all blowed up

Coleslaw McCoo all blowed up.

Worried about the possibility of accidental detonation, the Hoggtown volunteer fire department cautioned residents not to mistake “Coleslaw” for a piñata. If struck and detonated, the resulting blast could cover everything within 50 ft. with the revolting fallout.

Bystanders were also warned to keep all open flames away from McCoo’s orifices, to prevent accidental ignition of any escaping gasses.

Bubba Monk completed the redecoration of his popular dining establishment, Bubba’s Possum Pit. Bubba tells us that he’s taking a page from trendy big city restaurants and adding valet parking. “We’ll have Cooter’s boy, Lem Floot, parkin’ the trucks and tractors out back in the pasture. You’ll have to fetch your own truck though ‘cause Lem won’t remember where he put ‘em (he’s a mite slow). Course folks’ll have to watch their step in the pasture. Iffen they do step in cow-leavins, we’ll hose down boots an’ truck insides for free.”

Wow, it’s safe to say that Bubba is raising the bar for style and class in Hoggtown.

The Possum Pit has also added new items to the menu. Bubba is highlighting the trifecta of critter meat: racoon, possum, and gopher. He says his “yanked” possum is a little chewier than the “pulled” variety and his new rack of coon and glazed gopher belly are lip-smackin’ good too. He reminds us to “ask your waitress about the nightcrawler salad with honey-buzzard dressing.” Yummmm-ee!

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene

Men: Always establish with your date’s parents what time she is expected back home.  If the answer is “Monday,” it’s your responsibility to get her to school on time.

The annual Founder’s Day Parade scheduled to be held on the fifth Tuesday in February will be cancelled on account of there being no fifth Tuesday this year. Again?

redneck christmas parade

Practicing for the Founder’s Day parade.

We asked Hoggtown’s official historian, R.T. Fishal, about the cancellation. R.T. tells The Tattler that “we ain’t never had a Founder’s Day parade. Ever year, we plan it an’ we have to cancel it ‘cause there ain’t no fifth Tuesday. All that time wearing shoes an’ practicin’ walking reeeel slow was wasted. Walkin’ an’ waving an’ grinnin’ all at the same time is hard, an I coulda been doin’ somethin’ funner an’ learnable, like watchin’ skinnin’ and guttin’ on the Fish Channel.”

“It’s a plot by them aliens, I know it is. Right after Rufus Hogg founded Hoggtown, aliens carried his little girls Ima and Etta off – no lie, it’s true. And when they came back, they was both pregnant with little alien babies. Them babies was so ugly, they coulda trick or treated by telephone. But ever since them aliens deducted them Hogg twins, we ain’t had no fifth Tuesdays. Them aliens stolt our fifth Tuesdays just like they stolt the Hogg girls, ’cept that they sent Ima an’ Etta back and kept our fifth Tuesdays.”

The Hoggtown Learning School held gradiation exercises for the really, really, remedial class of 2011 last Thursday. Teacher Dee Minus (former Miss Wombat County 1999) presented dee-plomas to her students Billy Tee Bone and Authur Donics for completing all of her extra credit activities.  Sometimes they could be seen leaving her place late at night, worn out after an evening of vigorous studying. But the boys aren’t complaining, they just grin a lot and can’t wait to study again.

~~~

Hoggtown civic leaders broke ground on the community’s new Cultural Center Tuesday. Following the groundbreaking event, they announced a few of the exciting exhibits. Here’s a preview:

  • A informative primer on shoes: how they work, how to use them, and answers to that age-old question: why shoes?
  • A tribute to bib overalls.
  • A slideshow answering the question: indoor plumbing, an end to butt splinters or just another pipe dream?
  • A sculpture of the Mona Lisa made entirely from Skoal cans and Redman pouches.
  • A statue of General Remus Hogg, hero of the Battle of Chimichanga, will be the centerpiece of a Tribute to Heroes display . The piece is cleverly constructed of pork skins glued together with bean dip.
  • A wall of testimonials commemorating contributions to Hoggtown culture made possible by Jim Beam, Ezra Brooks, and Jack Daniels .
  • A diorama depicting the heyday of fireworks stands prior to the Big Boom of 2001.

As part of the Cultural Center event, Elrod Fudd will give live demonstrations showing the proper application of deer urine prior to hunting. He cautioned that the technique should only be used for deer. Studies have shown that using deer urine as an aftershave can be expected to produce gagging, nausea, and vomiting in human females which will probably reduce any opportunity for mating

Mr. Fudd has also consented to giving a personal demonstration of his wabbit hunting methods. Using a patented Fudd cawwot call, he’ll show the proper technique for attracting the cwafty bunnies while hiding in a wabbit blind and making cawwot sounds.

He’ll also demonstrate the difference between male and female cawwot calls, especially important during mating season. Many a hunter has returned home with badly bruised lower legs after an assault by an amorous, hump-happy male bunny.

This is a special private demonstration and no wabbits will be admitted.

Elegance and refinement by Jaylene

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.



Categories: Humor & Satire

Tags: , , , , , ,

2 replies

  1. Oh my gosh, you’ve done it again!! I already had tears in my eyes from laughing and then I got to the Battle of Chimichanga and totally lost it!! 😀

    Like

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