Pesky Truth Gazette, Vol. II, Num. F [satire]

NOTE: This is a reprise of a piece I wrote in 2011 (which explains some of the references). There are many issues that are still pertinent today, so I thought it worth a re-run.

Pesky Truth Gazette masthead 1-28-2016

In the spirit of transparency (made so popular by the Obama administration), we at Pesky Truth feel compelled to expose ourselves. We will fling open the figurative raincoat of concealment to reveal that we have moles.

Our moles are the human covert-operator kind, not the furry kind related to shrews (shrew meaning Suncus murinus, not to be confused with Nancy Pelosi). They occupy trusted positions in Congress and the White House and are able to feed PT insider information not available to the usual news sources. Our moles stay underground, out of the public eye. You won’t recognize a name; they are nameless. You wouldn’t recognize a face; they are faceless. In fact, we have a tough time finding them ourselves. But rest assured, they are there, scratching, digging, probing deep for the true stories.

You won’t see the following articles in any other blog or news source, they are exclusive to Pesky Truth.

Obama slightly ill, reportedly has a global-warming induced fever

This real story is being kept under wraps by Obama’s Czar of Spin.

A group of clinical psychologists, consulting with prominent psychiatrists, is treating the President for what is called a “minor disorder.” Rather than a mild fever (as was released to the press), insiders tell PT that he has developed a facial tic on the left side of his Holy Countenance and a pronounced lean to the left when standing or walking. The result of the lean causes Obama to walk in counter clockwise ovals if not otherwise redirected.

A source tells us that he is also experiencing occasions of extreme anger. Recently, he kicked his teleprompter (TOTUS), which promptly retaliated by falling on the President’s left knee, bruising the kneecap. Of course, Obama blamed George Boosh for turning TOTUS against him and angrily directed the IRS to investigate TOTUS for tax irregularities.

A preliminary diagnosis attributes the President’s erratic actions to a form of Waking Up to Fact syndrome (or, WTF). It is thought that the President’s record of failures during his two ½ years as POTUS, has brutally awakened him (hit him upside his head, as it were) and caused him to question his Messiahness.

He really thought that his transcendent powers of Himness would allow him to convince North Korea and Iran to give up their nuclear ambitions. He should have been able to win the Olympic games for Chicago, and being snubbed by Congress when they didn’t want his “help” during the debt-limit battle was too much and pushed him over the edge.

Circumstances have forced him to doubt himself – to confront reality. Why couldn’t he pass a Cap and Trade bill, why is ObamaCare so hated, why wouldn’t those rascally Republicans raise his debt limit, why didn’t he win an Academy Award, and what happened to his ascension to be Grand Poobah of the world? Why are his poll numbers down? Why can’t he sink a stinkin’ ten inch putt?

He’s been heard to say, “What’s wrong with these people? Don’t they know who I am? I yam who I yam. I am he who AM. He who IS is me. I am who we has been waiting for, is I not?

Bystanders said he continued to mumble and “speak in tongues,” continuing an incoherent tirade for hours, all the while limping around in ovals.

As Yoda would say, “Blew a gasket, he did.”

Bawney Frank and Rosie O’Donnell DNA altered at birth?

There’s still much work to do.” “We’ve made a great deal of progress, but we aren’t there yet,” was the primary theme of a seminar given by Yale Professor Ahmso Befuddled. Dr. Befuddled revealed that DNA specimens from Rosie O’Donnell and Barney Frank were remarkably similar. In fact, they could hardly be distinguished from one another except for a single specific combination. Absent this one combination, Rep. Frank and Ms. O’Donnell would be the same person.

The most common form of chromosomal crossover is homologous recombination, where the two chromosomes involved share very similar sequences. The Frank/O’Donnell situation appears to be a case of recombination whereby the male/female combinations crossed over, or as the Doctor described them, “got all befuddled up.”

The crossover would account for the few differences between the two. For example, Rep. Frank’s delightfully effeminate lispth and larger breasts, and O’Donnell’s tendency to cuss, spit, and grab her groin. Another differential was Frank’s ability to silently “squeeze out” flatulence while Ms. O’Donnell proudly announced that she was the source of a particularly loud, foul-smelling release.

Yet another Obama redistribution plan?

The Obama administration, in conjunction with Democrat leaders in Congress, unveiled plans to submit H.R.1922, the “Pass the Ammunition” bill. The bill would confiscate all ammunition from the wealthy (annual income of more than $50,000) and re-distribute it to the poor. “Our disadvantaged inner city citizens can’t afford to buy ammunition.” “It is class and race discrimination at its worst when the rich can stock up on hollow-points, +P and frangible loads and the poor can barely afford cheap and environmentally damaging lead bullets.”

How can you shoot nobody, when you ain’t got no bullets,” said Ifeelya Johnson, a block captain for the neighborhood crime-watch group, “Whitey Watch.”

Obama Apologizes to the New Black Panther Party

Following the dismissal of a lawsuit by the Department of Justice, an apology was issued to the NBPP by President B. Hussein Obama. “Even though the NBPP defendants were in default and had legally lost the case, I directed the DOJ to drop the suit in the interest of justice.” He continued, “Americans were outraged that the Boosh administration intervened in a purely African-American matter and displayed obvious racism in filing suit against the NBPP Voting-right Monitors.”

With encouragement from President Obama, the NBPP has secured a $22 million grant from TARP funds (for community outreach). The NBPP immediately let contracts to refurbish a number of FEMA-surplus trailers to serve as recruitment centers for the NBPP’s People’s Militia. In addition, Chairman Weezie Shamwowz said, “The funds will allow the NBPP to purchase other military-surplus equipment to assist in our mandate to make sure that black folks have every opportunity to vote the right way.”

He continued, “Making sure that our black brothers and sisters get to the polls is our responsibility and understanding HOW to vote is important. We intend to make sure that they vote the right way. We have been so successful that during the last three elections, not a single vote was cast for a Republican candidate in any of our monitored precincts.”

Sources tell Pesky Truth that the NBPP has also purchased sixteen Vietnam-era APCs (Armored Personnel Carriers), reputed to be M113s, to tow the information centers to wherever they’re needed. The M113s will also be used to transport voters to polling places in safety, and to act as intimidating symbols of black power. For cold-weather voting, ten M2-2 military flamethrowers were also purchased and will be used to warm the entry to polling places to welcome white voters.

No longer will our Freedom Fighters have to accost voters while standing outside of polling places armed only with police batons. Now, they can intimidate white voters from the comfort and safety of our up-armored M113s.”

Obama Reinterprets Judge’s Comments

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor said: “I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life.” That statement made during a 2001 speech contributed to a debate over her judgment.

The President dismissed any concerns about her Latina heritage influencing her decisions. He said, “Part of her job is to see the arguments from someone else’s shoes and Judge Sotomayor has promised to do that. She will wear my Desert Tan Berluti loafers when the court is in session and view the arguments as if she were me – since she will, in fact, be in my shoes.”

The President continued, “Previous court decisions were not always gender blind and that was because most of the justices were seeing things from the shoes of old, white men.” “In view of that, I have asked the Attorney General to file a brief with the court “in meus pes vestis,” requiring the male justices to wear women’s shoes (with sensible heels) throughout their next session.”

President Obama also cautioned the male justices that if wearing women’s shoes didn’t properly refocus their perspective on gender, he’d propose a change to court rules to force them to undergo “Enhanced Empthy Training” (EET) in the form of chemically-induced menstrual cramps and crankiness. He noted that these procedures would be administered by the CIA. The procedures have been cleared by his legal team and are not specifically prohibited by the Geneva Convention.

The President Draws a Line in the Sand

President B. Hussein Obama took a firm stand today against a new round of nuclear testing by North Korea. “I strongly disapprove of Kim Jong-il’s actions and will hold my breath until he relents and says he’s sorry,” were the harsh words used by the President to describe his disapproval.

White House insiders, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that the President was livid (a trendy shade of mocha) when told of North Korea’s successful test. “Darn that Kimmie-Jong … he broke his promise … he’s making me look like an weak, inexperienced, incompetent egotist.”

The President’s advisors were hurriedly assembled to define his formal response. They reportedly went through a multitude of possible diplomatic actions, ranging from feigned indignation to severe tongue-lashing, and even considered the imposition of a time-out.

After an all-night session, the consensus was that an embargo was in order. While it would be an escalation of the United State’s position vis-à-vis the recalcitrant little dude, it would send a strong and necessary message.

The decision was made to embargo the shoe lifts that enable the altitudinally-challenged Kim to soar to a height of five feet. “Send him a DVD of my speeches in the wrong format, that’ll show him,” chuckled a self-satisfied Obama. “And if that doesn’t work, we’ll send him an 8 X 10 glossy of Michelle in hot pants and a tank top.

An unconfirmed rumor had the President calling Kim a “mini-me-sized turd in the international punchbowl” during the discussions.

Showing Gitmo immigrants some love

Pesky Truth has learned of a new project undertaken by conservative tea party groups. They’re proposing that taxpayers fund tours of Obama’s Chicago home by groups of Gitmo “transferees.”

The proposed tour would begin with a period of unescorted contemplation time reserved for the transferee’s religious reflection. It would allow time for the Gitmoians to improvise empathy rather than harbor explosive anger if left to their own devices. An environment of trust would be nurtured by allowing the transferees to run free inside the Obama homestead. That could help to convince them that we like them, we really, really like them and mean them no harm. This would further gain their respect.

The tea party groups also recommended that the tours be scheduled when Obama is present in the mansion to allow those misguided Gitmoians an opportunity to bask in the aura of Himness that permeates the mansion when His Holy Presence is present. Perhaps they’d even stumble across the Dear Leader himself and have an opportunity to bond with him while showing him appreciation for their newfound freedom.

When asked for an opinion, transferee Abdul Mohammed Swartz stated that he’d ask President Obanma to autograph his newly written books “I Cut You Throat With a Boxcutter” and “Jihad for fun and profit.”

Obama’s New Czar of Adjustments

In a surprise move, President Obama named Bernard Madoff to be his new Czar of Adjustments. The infamous entrepreneur, reputed to be a genius with numbers, was tasked with developing adjustments to correct administration score numbers for various biases. Madoff earned his M.A. (Master of Adjustments) from the University of East Anglia in the UK. He is well versed in “adjusting” raw data as evidenced by his Madoff Investment Securities success.

With his conviction now expunged by an Obama Executive Order, he is free to apply his talents to helping the administration correct some erroneous information previously reported by the media. He’ll be working alongside Andy Fastow, former CFO of Enron to develop adjustments to correct various financial inaccuracies.

For example, the administration had been touting the creation of 640,000 jobs. After applying a Madoff/Fastow adjustment factor to the jobs figure, the administration now has corrected that number to be 4,440,017 jobs created. And it comes as no surprise that the unemployment rate previously misreported as 9.2 percent, has now been “corrected” to 2.7 percent.

In other corrections, President Obama was giddy to inform citizens that our national debt was only $110.1 billion dollars, rather than exceeding $14 trillion as had been estimated, and his new health plan would actually make a tidy $97 billion profit, rather than cost over a trillion dollars. As a result, when adjustments were applied to the President’s approval rating, it soared to 99.2%, up from a dismal 41%.

What GREAT news. The recession is gone, jobs are plentiful, the President is popular, and the economy is booming. The country is finally on the right track after shaking off the shackles imposed by that pesky Boosh administration. And we have Obama and Madoff and Fastow (oh my) to thank for it.

Finally, Obama lives up to his promise of truth and transparency and gives us numbers we can count on. I forget – how is czarchasm spelled?

New DC Restaurant Serves Up Politics

Just a short walk from the White House on W. 15th St. is a trendy new restaurant fast becoming the talk of DC. Noted for its unusual fare, it is one of the places to see and be seen inside the Beltway.

GOP’s (pronounced “Jops”) is an upscale bistro serving rather expensive sandwiches and fancy desserts. The flagship sandwich is called the Philly-buster and is only served to patrons supporting the out-of-power political party – but you can lie, if necessary, to order one. The principal aftereffect of a Philly-buster is the prevention any manner of normal activity. It induces a state similar to paralysis and inhibits any sensible actions – it is said to be a favorite of members of Congress.

Another popular choice is the Demo-cramp Deluxe, with secret ingredients reputed to cause severe gastric distress. Rumor suggests that refried beans and habanero peppers contribute to the gassy bloating and flatulence known to accompany the Demo-cramp. The cook verified that the thought was that anyone who chose a Demo-cramp deserved whatever resulted from that unfortunate choice. It is served with a side order of Rolaids and an admonition to avoid enclosed spaces, especially crowded elevators.

My companion tried a Barney Frank sandwich. A pair of warm toasty buns flanked the centerpiece frankfurter which was reportedly made from salami ground into rump steak. It was tastefully garnished with a pair of fruit twinkies. In keeping with the theme, the waiter even confirmed our order back with a stylish lisph (sic).

I had a PITA Pelosi (our waiter confided that PITA stands for Pain in the Arse). It was a very unsatisfying pork-filled flat bread sandwich. The Pelosi’s exterior was too crusty and wrinkled for my taste and there was far more pork than was necessary. Three kinds in fact: pulled pork, pushed pork, and yanked pork. How I longed for an old fashioned Reagan hero.

Our visit was topped off with an Obamnificent soufflé. The golden tan outer crust held a promise of gastronomic delights. But unfortunately, as soon as we penetrated the crust, all of the hot gasses escaped with a “poof.” Once deflated, it was found to be empty inside except for a pound or so of thick sliced unidentifiable sandwich “meat.” So, our verdict on the Obamnificent soufflé concluded that it was all hot air and baloney, and didn’t deliver on its promise. 

Rated , save your money – and your stomach lining, go elsewhere.

 



Categories: Humor & Satire, Political

Tags: ,

10 replies

  1. Garnet you have done a good job in the past and if PERRY is the candidate I plan to vote for him. ABO.

    Like

  2. I sure won’t be eating in that restaurant any time soon.

    Like

  3. Almost needed a spew alert. Good stuff. Don’t fret too much over ol’Sooth there. He used to stink up Gunny’s place as well.

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  4. I am glad somebody still has a sence of humor! Yep, very much needed to start Monday off. The atmosphere has been doom-n-gloom for so long that a good laugh should loosen us all up to continue the hard and rigurous job ahead.
    ps. could we have one of these laugh moments at least once a week, just say’n. Good medicine.

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  5. Granett,
    I laughed my butt off… am still laughing. My stomach hurts.

    Thanks.

    Like

  6. Tried to tweet this out, still laughing too hard! What a brilliant post! Thank you.

    Like

  7. This site started with some objectivity and “selective” data analysis heavily spun. But it had figures worth fact checking. It’s turning into pure vitriol. I don’t think calling it satire makes it such.

    Like

    • Sooth, sorry you don’t like my brand of blog posts or satire – and it is satire, see below definition of satire:

      1. the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
      2. a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.
      3. a literary genre comprising such compositions.

      You have every right to disagree with what I write – not a problem, but expect that future posts will follow in a similar vein – more “selective” data, heavily spun and more satire featuring Obama and the democrat “leadership”.

      I’m not trying to run you off, I welcome constructive criticism, but if you don’t like my content, why would you want to visit Pesky Truth? Perhaps you’ll find more to your liking elsewhere.

      Like

  8. Sounds like your sources have a real inside track up there in the Beltway. Thanks for sharing this classified information. BTW you owe me a new keyboard and my monitor needs a really good cleaning. These unfortunate consequences occurred upon my reading your missive while enjoying my mid-day repast. I will be more careful in the future!

    Like

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