Government Healthcare Costs Dramatically Reduced
Frustrated by the refusal of congress to support his “new and improved” healthcare fixes, fearless leader Barack U. Obama has directed his head of Health and Human Services (HHS), Sushi Kardashian, to implement dramatic new measures to improve the acceptance of his signature implosion.
Using the power of his first Royal Decree (formerly known as Executive Orders), the president has identified several changes to the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. The improved plan will be named the Patient Salvation and Rescue Act, but detractors have christened it PoopyCare.
The president is known to have soured on the Obamacare name when his namesake law became the topic of ridicule and derision. He recognized that something must be done to prevent tarnishing his messiah-like image of perfection.
When early visitors visited the Healthcare.gov website and were actually able to see premium amounts, they were pissed taken aback. But the president was determined to reduce the new health care premiums to (what appeared to be) low rates, and ordered the last remaining insurance provider, Bob’s Insurance Company & Bait Shop, to further reduce premiums to “darned near nothing.”
Depending on his massive intellect to calculate an otherwise incalculable number of possibilities, he came upon results which, if borne out by actual activity, will practically eliminate doctor and hospital visits. He touted the savings to U.S. taxpayers as being in the three trillion dollar range.
In a masterful feat of creativity, the president increased co-pay amounts and deductibles at the same time as he decreased payments to doctors and hospitals. Both steps will have the effect of reducing doctor visits and hospital stays, thus reducing insurance payouts.
These actions allowed Bob’s Insurance Company & Bait Shop to decrease those pesky monthly premiums to $99.99 (about the price of a pack of cigarettes). “Now, everyone can afford to have really poopy care,” Obama said.
And everyone is the operative word.
Every citizen, including those deceased within the last three years, will be required to obtain health coverage. To those already deceased when PoopyCare was enacted, death is a preexisting condition and must be covered by the new insurance. Deceased policyholder premiums will come from the stiff’s estate or be reimbursed by selling previously used body parts on Craigslist. PoopyCare requires that each policyholder have some skin (or other body part) in the game.
Infants and small children will also be required to maintain their own personal policies. Although detractors complain that infants don’t need policies that include birth control or maternity care, PoopyCare supporters claim that the old policies were junk anyway and the children should be pleased to finally have full, robust coverage.
Administration officials admitted that in order to keep premiums low, there might be a few slight adjustments to deductibles and co-pays.
For example, a policy holder’s annual deductible will be increased to equal their Adjusted Gross Income (Line 37 on Form 1040) and co-payments will vary from 5% to 25%, depending on the quality of service provided by the waitstaff.
That alone has dramatically reduced the amounts paid out by Bob’s Insurance Company & Bait Shop and increased their net profits – triggering a clause in the sole provider contract requiring the company to pay for the first family’s vacation expenses (previously paid by taxpayers). That alone will amount to several hundred million dollars. If windfall profits continue to improve, the company has agreed to pay for some of Obama’s golf outings.
Another unexpected result of PoopyCare is that the population is showing signs of decreasing rapidly. Death by illness and injury now exceeds deaths by firearm drive-by in Chicago and D.C. for the first time this century.
In an effort to reduce the cost of patient care to taxpayers, payments to doctors have been reduced to weed out greedy physicians who were only interested in making money on the backs of their patients (and often, on their arms, legs, boobs, and buttocks as well).
Physicians will now be paid via a tip jar placed in the lobby of their office. As an additional incentive, doctors will be issued free white lab coats from Obama’s stash.
Aware of doctor’s concerns about revenue, the president made a statement today during a fund raising stop to assure the doctors that they would be paid. He promised, “If you like your tips, you’ll be able to keep your tips. Period.”
He said that with a straight face … though like the first time he said those words, he did have his fingers crossed behind his back, thereby making the statement null and void.
Not surprisingly, that statement sent shock waves through the medical community. Based on his previous promises that ended with a “period,” his “keep your tips” statement sent AMA members and state medical associations into a frenzy. Doctors have begun a massive campaign against PoopyCare admonishing Obama to “Keep your hands off my tips.”
Another unanticipated benefit of Obama’s PoopyCare is that unemployment is falling.
Amid a dwindling supply of physicians, PoopyCare administrators have developed an innovative plan to treat the nation’s ailing population. They are utilizing alternative providers (Physician’s Aides) to administer the poopiest of care to patients.
By offering Physician’s Aide positions to ex-Acorn activists, SEIU members and convicted felons, the president has reduced the unemployment rate to 5.9 percent. A two-day, total-immersion course enables the new PA’s to diagnose and treat illnesses and set broken limbs. The cool new positions are highly sought after and the graduates enjoy being known as the “Cool-Aides.”
The Cool-Aides are especially fond of the grape-flavored drink (bearing a similar name) provided to them by the administration’s Drug Enforcement lab. It is said to contain a secret ingredient that sustains their loyalty and support – although the downside is that they also maintain the mental capacity of a pet rock – ahh, but not an ordinary pet rock – a loyal, malleable pet rock.
As expected, more serious procedures may require the expertise of a more “extensively trained” practitioner. A full four-day course in Ron Popeil’s acclaimed Veg-O-Matic Institute prepares the student for the slicing and dicing that may be necessary to gain access to an offending part, and a final day in stitchery class assures that the student can sew stuff back together after removal of the putrid parts and gunky stuff.
PoopyCare administrators have expressed apologies to an initial group of amputees when it was learned that a training course author misunderstood an old carpenter’s adage and thought that it said to, “measure once, cut twice.” Those affected will be offered another whack at getting it right (at no additional charge).
Traditional hospitals are closing. No longer “in plan” with PoopyCare, they are left without paying patients and are being forced out of business. To replace the hospitals, PoopyCare has negotiated a lease arrangement with Motel 6, transforming former motel chain locations to into Bob’s Health Hostel & Surgery Shoppes.
Even though they’re not especially sanitary, they are located on most major thoroughfares, and they offer a continental breakfast (if you get to the lobby really early). And contrary to some complaints, bedspreads and sheets do get washed periodically.
The Obama administration also just announced the addition of Dr. Joseph Mengele as Deaf Czar. Though hard of hearing himself, Dr. Mengele will head up what Sarah Palin called “the Deaf Panel,” called for in the law. He comes to Bob’s Health Hostel & Surgery from the Auschwitz Clinic where he headed up the treatment center for Lottery losers.
The Deaf Panel Lottery will use time-proven randomizing techniques like one potato-two potato, rock-paper-scissors, and eeny meeny miny to identify those patients who will get treatment. Others, not so lucky, will have their alternatives (and latisibles too) treated by the Doctor of Deaf.
In a final note on PoopyCare news, the president announced today that he will not accept anything short of perfection in the new website recently released for signups. Replacing the glitch-plagued Healthcare.gov site, the new system is expected to easily surpass the Healthcare.gov’s high-water mark of 422 people really and truly signed up in a single day. CGI Federal, the contractor responsible for the new site, poopycare.gov is promising a throughput of at least 500,000 sign-ups a day.
When pressed, administration sources reluctantly admitted that CGI Federal was, in fact, the same CGI Federal that implemented the Healthcare.gov website. But, the spokesman said, they’ve apologized and said they’d do better with the newly awarded single-source $500 billion dollar contract.
And don’t forget the slogan of the Mothers Against PoopyCare (MAP): “PoopyCare must be wiped out – it’s a skidmark on the tidy-whities of health care in the country.”
Categories: Humor & Satire