Uncle Joe Biden [satire]

(Crazy Joe escaped from the White House attic and is loose again)

Joe Biden is the Vice President of our United States. This unauthorized biography will introduce a few previously unknown aspects (dirty little secrets) of Crazy Uncle Joe’s life.

Joseph Robinette Biden was born at an early age. On November 20, 1942, his parents, Joseph Sr. and Catherine welcomed little Joe Jr. into the world. He immediately put his foot in his mouth and began babbling away, and he hasn’t stopped since.

When he was born, a delivery room nurse reported that he began talking as soon as he was slapped on the rear. His first words were, “g-g-goo g-g-ga goo g-g-ga,” which in newborn language means “this is a big f**king deal.” Those words illustrate Joe’s early proclivity for exaggerating the obvious.

He became well-known to the pediatric nurses as a “mouthy little sucker” ‘cause he was always soliciting other nursing moms when he was hungry (“hey momma, let’s do lunch”). Little did they know that later in life, he’d continue his obsession with breasts and would become known as the biggest boob in the room at any gathering he attended.

While most infants sucked their thumb, little Joe sucked his foot.

Foot in mouth Joe

In fact, his mom had a special little foot-shaped pacifier made especially for him; she called it his “footie-binkie.”Joe also had a problem with stuttering in his youth. His third-grade teacher, Miss Alaineus, asked Joe to make up a poem and recite it to the class. She thought that it would help him conquer his stuttering. He tried and tried, but stuttered so badly he finally gave up and wrote it on the blackboard.

“R-r-r-oses are r-r-red, w-w-without any d-d-doubt, I’d o-o-open m-m-my m-m-mouth, b-b-but my f-f-foot would f-f-fall out”

That’s when she learned that even poor Joe’s writing stuttered.

Miss Alaineus gave him “A” for effort, but an “D” for sp-sp-spelling.

When Joe was ten, his family moved to Wilmington, Delaware and Joe Sr. found a job as a used car salesman. He used to bring Joe Jr. to work with him and that‘s where Joe polished his “gift of gab.”

By the time he reached the fifth-grade, he was selling used bicycles to his classmates, his spiel went something like, “Watta I hafta do to put you on this 1946 Schwinn BA-307? It’s low mileage; the Widder O’Malley only rode it two blocks to church on Sundays.”

But his classmates complained that he sold them unnecessary undercoating and fabric protection (there was no fabric) for their bicycles. He financed their purchases by taking their lunch money in 72 “easy” payments. He’d “tote the note.”

He hustled his way through the remainder of his grade school “career” with various scams, shams, and flim-flams. He was the master of shuck and jive, he could shake your hand with one hand and pick your pocket with the other. He was a talented young shyster, well on his way to becoming a real bona fide Democrat.

Joe later attended the Archmere Academy in Claymont, Delaware, a small Catholic prep school, where he played football. Football was especially appropriate since Joe ate up anything related to the foot.

It was an all-boys school and although Joe wanted to be a tight end, his end wasn’t quite tight enough so he became a star halfback instead. The school mascot, the Great Auk, was an extinct, flightless bird and became an inspiration for Joe. He aspired to become hard-to-find and to fly less (he’d take Amtrak instead).

He was a natural leader among the students, and was elected class president during his junior and senior years and was also voted “most likely to choke on his own foot.”

By now, he had overcome his stuttering and had developed a high-capacity, rapid-fire mouth (both figuratively and literally) and was known for his long-winded tirades on almost every subject. Lack of knowledge about a subject never stopped Joe, he just winged it – and sometimes that got him into trouble.

When someone queried him about what caused the Big Bang, Joe answered that someone fired a double-barreled shotgun into the air (that became one of his stock fallback answers when he had no clue about the subject).

He graduated in 1961 and subsequently enrolled in the University of Delaware in Newark, where he was more interested in sports and socializing than in studying. There, he played halfback with the Blue Hens freshman football team. First the “Great Auks” and now the “Blue Hens,” what is it about big birds that gets Joes juices flowing – could it be a fetish for Sesame Street?

One little known fact about Joe Biden is that although he was raised Catholic, he once made a pilgrimage to the Oka Soaka Toeka temple in Columbia where he prayed and fasted with the priests and honored the Great Foot God, Mini Tonka. He came away enlightened, his spirit rejuvenated and ready to conquer the world, one foot at a time.

On a spring break trip to the Bahamas during his junior year, Biden met a Syracuse University student named Neilia Hunter and fell in love.

Encouraged by his new romance, he applied himself more fully to his studies and was accepted into the Syracuse University Law School upon his graduation from the University of Delaware in 1965. During his first year at Syracuse, he flunked a class when he plagiarized five pages from a published article in a term paper that he submitted, although he claimed it was “an accidental oversight,” his pen just slipped.

Joe and Hunter married the next year, in 1966. Biden was at best a mediocre law student, ranking 506th of 688 in his class. He wasn’t known for his brilliance; some said that he couldn’t even spell “law” if you spotted him the “l” and the “w.”

He spent a brief time lawyering and didn’t like corporate law, but criminal law didn’t pay well enough so in 1969 he decided to “go for the gold” in terms of earnings potential so he decided to do some community organizing – after all, it was common knowledge that community organizing was a sure-fire path to the Presidency – and Joe did want to be the Prez.

His first stab at organizing was to create a “scoot along on your butt” day to call attention to the plight of feet and to raise awareness of the horrific toll that walking upright was taking on our poor, innocent feet. He also coined the First Commandment for congressional politicians, “be kind to your feet, sit on your ass and do nothing.” Congress honors that time-honored concept to this day.

By now, Joe had also become an accomplished cook. His gastronomic delights included French Bunion soup and Callus Au Gratin w/Baby Corns – a real delight. He also excelled at foot-long sandwiches of all kinds.

Though he had earlier considered himself as “leaning Republican,” he finally registered as a Democrat since he heard so much bad about Republicans from his Democrat friends. Eventually he coined a three-letter word for them: “S.O.B.S.”

When Joe talked about going into politics, friends wondered how he could run with his foot in his mouth. But Joe didn’t worry, he knew if he could get his foot in his mouth, he could get a hat in a ring.

But he just couldn’t keep his foot saliva-free. He became a medical curiosity when he was the first person in history to be treated for Athlete’s Mouth. He was also constantly concerned about his bad breath and thought that he might have Toeletosis.

In 1972, the Delaware Democratic Party encouraged a 29-year-old Biden to run for the U.S. Senate. And in an outlandish, bizarre, one-in-a-million, completely unexpected, fluke of an election – he won.

Miracle of miracles, Joe Biden was a U.S. Senator!

It’s been said that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, if that’s so, Joe has flattered his way to the top. Even after flunking a class in college, he continued to flatter other folks.

He got caught with his pants down during his first run for the Presidency in 1988 when he lifted parts of a speech by British Labor Party leader Neil Kinnock and used them as his own. Unfortunately for Biden, more revelations of plagiarism followed. Soon it emerged that Biden had lifted significant portions of speeches from Robert Kennedy and Hubert Humphrey as well.

It’s a little known fact that Joe Biden actually invented the “cut and paste” method of  plagiarism. He was an innovator when it came to using his OPW app (Other People’s Words) to enhance a career. He was the “genius” who perfected the technique.

But Joe was just getting started. When someone in a campaign stop audience heckled him, he said “I think I probably have a much higher IQ than you do, I suspect,” but that was just hot air and no one who knew him thought that he’d ever be asked to bring the potato salad to a Mensa picnic.

“I went to law school on a full academic scholarship.” That claim was crap too – he didn’t. And another claim, that he graduated in the top half of his law-school class showed how weak his math skills were. He also stated that he had earned three undergraduate degrees, when in fact that’s two more than he really had - more of Joe’s BS.

The sheer number and extent of Biden’s fibs, distortions, and plagiarisms struck many observers at the time as worrisome. Caught with his foot in his mouth again, Joe finally had enough and withdrew from the race.

Joe (somehow) managed to get reelected to the Senate in 1990, 1996, 2002, and 2008. But he decided that when Barack Obama asked him to run for VP in 2008, he could make more money as Vice President than as a lowly Senator and accepted. He finally (and reluctantly) gave up his Senate seat to run with Obama. And that’s when Joe made one of his most famous Bidenisms.

“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man,” he said, describing Barack Huessin Obama, his new boss and BFF. But Joe didn’t stop there, he later described how President Roosevelt handled the stock market crash of 1929.

“Look, here’s what happened, when the market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn’t just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. ” The fact that Roosevelt wasn’t President when the market crashed or that the only television sets then were experimental didn’t stop Joe, he just kept running his motor-mouth.

And during the campaign, when Biden responded to a statement by opponent George Bush that he didn’t like by saying, “This is bullshit. This is malarkey. This is outrageous,” Obama was so frustrated, he said, “How many times is Biden gonna say something stupid?” Really Obama, let us count the ways.

In self-defense, Obama had signs erected at every campaign stop that was supposed to include Biden. It was a vain attempt to keep Joe in line.

It was doomed to failure. A “foot in mouth” exclusion zone is much like a gun-free zone – they just don’t work when there is a individual determined to ignore them and do their dirty work.

Joe’s next words of wisdom came forth when he informed the world that “If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there’s still a 30% chance that we’re going to get it wrong.” You could sew Joe’s mouth shut and there’d still be a 30% chance that he’d find a way to mumble something stupid.

Some even wondered if Joe was “coming out of the closet” when he said “Folks, I can tell you I’ve known eight presidents, three of them intimately.” He followed those statements by saying, “I promise you, the president has a big stick. I promise you.” God love ‘im.

Time magazine even noted that “Biden’s brain is wired for more than the usual amount of goofiness.”

Some psychologists suggest that Joe’s foot-in-mouth gaffes indicate that he is either regressing to his early childhood love for his “foot-binkie” or he has developed a taste for Cole-Haan shoe leather.

It’s bad enough that Joe continues to shoot off his mouth, but he stepped in it big time when he decided that it was time for “rugged sportsman” Joe to counsel women on protecting themselves with a shotgun.

Let’s face it, Joe has a 10 ga. mouth and a .177 brain, and he’s going to recommend self-defense gun tactics to anyone? Ludicrous.

I won’t attempt to explain his suggestion to fire a double-barreled 12 ga into the air twice (thereby leaving it empty) or shooting through a door without being certain of who is on the other side, both of those Bidenisms have been shot full of holes by scores of knowledgable gun people. It’s obvious that he is out of his element when he talks about firearms. It does beg the question though, why the hell is he in charge of Obama’s Gun Control Task Force?

Excluding democrats, the thinking portion of our U.S. population has, by now, grown accustomed to our Crazy Uncle Joe and we know what to expect from him. We don’t expect any new intellectual dissertations or theories explaining quantum mechanics to a lay person – no, Joe is a simple guy and as such, thinks simple thoughts. Unfortunately, one of his “simple thoughts” is that he is smart.

God love ‘im.

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Thanks to Brian from “View from the Island” for his posts skewering Joe, it was the seedling that grew into this unauthorized biography. Check out his blog!

Pesky Truth©