A Pesky Truth Exposé
Coming Soon: The R.O.B. Act
(Redistribution of Booty act)
A note from Garnet92: This is political satire [the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.]. It might also be considered “PG” for a few words commonly heard on cable TV (but not from the pulpit), so read it at your own risk.
Our sources inside the Obama administration have uncovered a massive covert plan (some preparatory parts already in place) to redistribute the nation’s wealth. He hasn’t had the political power in his first term to get all of the pieces in place, but if he wins a second term, (Rashid) Khalid bar the door …
It’s been apparent for some time that B. Hussein Obama’s 2008 Hope and Change campaign was designed around an intentional misleading of the citizenry. His campaign fostered the notion that if he was elected, hope would return to a troubled nation and he (Obama) would bring about a positive change, throwing off the racist shackles of that ignorant, incompetent Boosh administration and bringing prosperity to the poor downtrodden masses.
“Everything will be better, trust me,” was his message. “I am The One we’ve been waiting for” was his slogan.
And a hopeful nation ignored his tissue-thin resume, his lack of any relevant experience, ignored his troublesome anti-American associations, and decided “why not?” Let’s give the unsuccessful community organizer, never-tried-a-case attorney, part-time lecturer, and first-term senator a chance – how bad could he be?
Now, approaching the end of his term, we have irrefutable evidence that he has been very, very bad for the nation.
His policies have resulted in starving the economic engine of the country. We’re running on empty, our economic fuel having been siphoned off to feed bigger government, union political activities, and “green” commercial enterprises benefiting only his contributors. His administration has been anything but “transparent,” and instead of bringing whites and blacks together, he has contributed to widening the gulf between them.
His policies have resulted in draining the wealth from the productive, income-producing working class and increasing the population of non-productive recipients who want what they earnestly believe is their rightful share of the wealth (even though they contributed precious little to creating that wealth).
To that end, one of his advisors (Ifeelya Payne) suggested an innovative plan that would help the country ease on down Obama’s yellow brick road to his desired goal of government-administered economic equality and create millions of new jobs at the same time!
Hoary Mackerel, What A Concept!
Initially called the ROB (Redistribution of Booty) act, the plan would create at least SIX MILLION new high-paying jobs (paid for by the country’s rapidly dwindling pool of taxpayers). And it would be easy, just pass a few new seemingly innocuous bills, issue a few Executive Orders, send directives to his cabinet heads and – voilá – Obama’s lifelong dream of redistributing America’s wealth would happen.
Following a philosophy espoused by Karl Marx, “from each according to his ability, to each according to their needs,” the federal government will force the equalization of wealth between the “haves” and the “have-nots.”
As a result of the ROB act, Obama will usher in a new era of “used to haves” (the previously productive wealth creators) and “got me some nows” (nonproductive Obama supporters). And, most importantly, not just the redistribution of money, but goods as well. It would be unfair to redistribute money alone without redistributing other significant assets as well.
The plan would require hiring and training an entirely new army of federal bureaucrats to implement the ROBing of America’s bourgeois capitalists who now unfairly possess a majority of the country’s wealth.
A primary source of that new talent will be ex-ACORN activists. With ACORN now semi-extinct, a new organization, Deciduous Oval Oak Droppings (DOOD), has risen from ACORN’s ashes to take up the “champion of the poor” mantle. Every bit as nonpartisan and nonprofit as ACORN was (sarcasm intended), the DOODs will be tasked with hiring and managing millions of new benevolent bureaucrats.
The Constipation of Wealth
Obama’s newly appointed Czar of Booty, Saul T. Gaspacho, has admitted that the DOODs will have a tough time redistributing the large quantity of assets that have been concentrated in the hands of the “haves.” The constipation of wealth has built up over decades and represents a blockage in the desired flow of economic prosperity through the system.
So “doctor” Obama has prescribed an economic enema to free the blockage.
As soon as logistically possible, the DOODs will hire an army of Special Household Inventory Takers (SHITs) who will take inventory of all accumulated goods (the booty) in each of the 90,000,000 homes, condos, and apartments in the U.S.
Gaspacho estimates that it will take about 2,500,000 SHITs to free the economic constipation and, for the first time in America, give the non-contributing members of society equal access to the country’s wealth.
One specialized subgroup of SHITs will be drawn from a growing number of jobless workers. Known as the Disadvantaged Unemployed Minions (DUMs), or “DUM SHITs,” they’ll be responsible for recording a tally of the booty items located in each household – being “tally-men” as it were.
Come Mister Tallyman
Reportedly, during an early training exercise, a fruit vendor asked a DUM SHIT to “Come mister tally man, tally me bananas” which brought the training exercise to a halt when most of the class began to chant “Daylight come and me wanna go home.” As a result, the class was rescheduled for the following “Day-O, Dayyy-O.”
Tally-master (appropriately named) Won Tu Tree expressed concern that many DUM SHITs couldn’t count past ten without using their toes. Toeless shoes or sandals were options, but they required the DUM SHIT to sit while touching his/her toes. To help the digitally-challenged count more than ten items, a newly formed company was awarded a no-bid, multi-billion dollar grant to develop a high-tech fix.
Their solution was pure genius: they retrofitted an abacus, replacing the round beads with new ones shaped like little toes. The development improved the DUM SHITs counting capability by 187.3% – worth every penny of the $2.3 billion dollar development grant to Toebacus, LLC (a Chicago startup funded by George Soros).
A newly-developed software application is set to automate the reassignment process. Labeled the “Asset Sharing System” (ASS), the new software has proven so efficient in testing that a partial implementation (half-ASS) was scrapped and authorization given to implement the full system (the ASS-Whole system).
Even now, many federal workers aspire to be the ASS-Wholes that Obama desperately needs to accomplish his goals, but most don’t have the intellectual capacity to operate above a half-ASS level.
An integral concept during the ASS development process was the KISS approach (Keep It Simple, Stupid). Assimilating the KISS method into the ASS system resulted in a state-of-the-art KISS/ASS system.
It has been noted that President Obama has long been a proponent of KISS/ASS, having refined ass-kissing to an art form. Ever the consummate sophisticate, he often demonstrates a classic French ballet Cambré position (sometimes with an accompanying port de bras) while bowing to foreign leaders in order to gain better access to their derrières.
Insiders say that Obama has encouraged ass-kissing by all of his political appointees since he took office. A knowledgeable source tells us that all of his trousers have been retrofitted with a skid-resistant rear panel that is also treated to reduce lip-burn and prevent puckered lips from sticking – what a compassionate accommodation by our Dear Leader!
To aid the Asset Sharing System in categorizing the confiscated plunder, a coding system was developed to classify each booty item into one of four major groups: Mini-booty, Midi-booty, Mega-booty and the gargantuan Michelle-booty. For example, a single silverware spoon would be classified as Mini-booty, while a Range Rover SUV would be assigned to the Mega-booty list. Swimming pools, tennis courts, and other oversized items would warrant the Michelle-booty designation.
The classification technique will allow a deserving recipient to select from a menu of merchandise by choosing “one from column A,” “one from column B,” and “one from column C” thereby making the booty selection process as simple as ordering from a Chinese restaurant menu. Certain marital aids, personal massage devices, and adult video collections would carry a “spicy” icon.
Move That Booty
Once the booty has been identified and appraised, redistribution to the genuinely deserving can begin. This multi-stage process will be the most difficult of the program. Moving big-screen TVs, saunas, and spas from the “haves” to the “have nots” is a daunting task.
Small items like silverware and jewelry can be moved by grocery cart. A natural supply of cart operators can be found among urban bag ladies and professional street people. Most already have their Commercial Grocery Cart Operators certification and can handle a wobbly, three-caster cart with amazing dexterity.
The operators will be required to pass a driving test. The test evaluates an operator’s ability to hurdle passed-out winos and avoid open manholes while making their way around an urban obstacle course. Stopping to forage in a dumpster, taking a nap, or soliciting loose change from pedestrians will result in disqualification.
Of course, Obama will be forced to nationalize the truck rental industry to support the redistribution of larger items. UHAUL, Penske, and Ryder will be nationalized. Together, under government control, they’ll become the Booty In Trucks Ensures Moving Excellence (BITEME) division.
But transferring the small plunder is the easy part.
Considerable manpower will be required to dig up the ill-gotten lap pools, tennis courts, and garden gazebos and transport them to the more deserving. As a consequence, it will be necessary to create another 2,000,000 construction jobs. Split between demolition and construction specialists, the workers will use the state-of-the-art methods to ensure a quick and successful transfer.
The DOODs stumbled onto an innovative way of accelerating the demolition of buildings. It simply requires painting an image of George W. Boosh on the structure. Obama supporters have been known to tear down concrete block walls with their bare hands to rid the area of images of the former President. In one Philadelphia neighborhood, a four-story brick building was reduced to dust in an hour and twelve minutes after a sign featuring a smiling George W. Boosh asking, “Miss Me Yet?” was unveiled on the side of the building.
But early preparation has not been without problems. An example of the difficulty of moving architectural features became evident when, during a test run, a ceramic tiled bathhouse was moved from a lavish country home to a location in an urban neighborhood. A tile installation crew mixed the mortar wrong so that it wouldn’t harden. What followed were tiles that sagged and wouldn’t stay up. Luckily, it was found that adding Viagra to the mortar mix stopped the sagging and cured the erect tile’s dysfunction.
Automobiles are another prime target for redistribution. A million and a half (1,500,000) new workers will be hired as “Booty Movers” (BMs). One of their duties will be to transport confiscated automobiles to and from regional collection centers.
The BMs will be recruited from inner-city youts (re: Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny) currently employed in the auto theft industry. The program will utilize the abilities of the youts to quickly acquire selected vehicles and in return, the administration will issue a blanket pardon that will expunge each BM’s previous criminal record. To insure their success, Rep. Bawney Fwank (D-MA) has stated that he will “personally wipe clean any latent evidence that remains following a BM” (a task for which he is uniquely qualified).
In addition, many greedy, racist, “used-to-haves” owned multiple autos and their fleets often included expensive brands. Therefore, all high-end automobiles (Mercedes, Lexus, BMWs, Cadillacs, etc.) will be confiscated from the unworthy and replaced by Ford Pintos (1971-1980 vintage). This exchange imposes a well-deserved penance on those who had been living large at the expense of the righteous “po-folk.” Provisions have been made for acquiring AMC Gremlins and Pacers when the Pintos run out.
The administration is also touting another 280,000 new jobs created for the mechanics that will be required to get those Pintos somewhat operational. Rumor has it that most of the new mechanics will be recruited from ministers, rabbis and priests since it will likely take divine intervention to get many of those barely-mobiles to run. In especially difficult cases, it may be necessary for Obama himself to heal some stubborn vehicles by “laying on” his holy hands.
While initial plans are subject to change, the actual distribution is expected to take place in reverse booty-size sequence, starting with Michelle-booty items. Once the initial distribution is underway, emphasis will shift to Mega-booty items and so on, down the booty hierarchy.
Who Gets What?
One of the most difficult parts of administering the ROB plan will be the method of prioritizing recipients. Individuals who have exhibited unquestioned loyalty and allegiance to Obama will receive the highest rankings. Once they’ve passed the qualification tests, the individual will be Obamatized as a “reborn” citizen, and thereby worthy of economic salvation.
A scoring system is already in the works and supporting software is currently in testing. It requires each individual to be evaluated and assigned a score. The final score determines the individual’s position (priority) on the distribution list. Following are some areas that will contribute to scoring.
I. Votes for Obama
The voting history scoring system, called the WHORE system (We Help Obama Rig Elections), will evaluate each individual’s voting history and compile a score based on several categories.
- Number of votes cast for Obama in the 2008 presidential election. A minimum of three votes is required to receive a 50 pt. credit.
- Votes cast via absentee ballot in non resident battleground states in 2008 will receive double credit (100 pts.) for each state.
- The number of deceased people who were “assisted” by the individual to vote for Obama in the 2008 election will qualify for an extra credit of 100 pts. for each stiff represented.
NOTE: votes cast by a cartoon character while being assisted by the individual will also count in the final score.
- And finally, the number of votes pledged by the individual for the 2012 election on behalf of deceased persons and hoofed animals. A minimum pledge of 10 votes is required to score in this category.
II. Union Participation
- To qualify for points, the individual must have a current membership in any of the nationally recognized unions who are members of OAF (the Obama Adoration Federation). Members will be awarded points according to a pro-rated share of the union’s contribution to Obama’s 2008 election campaign.
For example, an SEIU member gets a whopping 705 pts. ($67,000,000 contributed to Obama divided by 95,000 members), while a member of AFSCME will only get 39 pts. ($63,000,000 divided by 1.6 million members).
SEIU members can thank former SEIU head Andy Stern for negotiating this reward during one of his 53 visits to the White House. Some have noted that Vice President Joe Biden has only been allowed in the White House 38 times since inauguration.
NOTE: Biden’s 38 visits don’t include the two times that he attempted entry wearing Groucho Marx glasses and moustache disguise (neither attempt was successful). The administration was quick to point out the VP was denied entry because he was recognized as Joe Biden – Groucho Marx (though deceased) would have been promptly admitted.
III. Tangible Evidence of Worship
- A candidate with a tattooed likeness of Barack or Michelle on his/her body may be eligible for a 200 pt. bonus. To qualify for the “Ear or Rear” bonus, a likeness of Obama must include both ears (fully deployed) and a likeness of Michelle must include the entire width of her posterior (horizon-to-horizon).
IV. Expendable Accomplices (a special job posting category)
- Special priority list positions will be available to technicians who possess expert capabilities in Photoshop. A history of successful creation of documents is required and the technician must have exhibited unparalleled preeminence in the creation of varied formal documents (e.g., birth certificates, selective service records, college transcripts, etc.).
The selected individual will be enrolled in a special, highly secret benefit program (the Accomplice Protection Program). Under Obama’s APP program, the accomplice’s immediate family will be included in the coverage and will continue to receive all benefits should an untimely accident befall the accomplice (usually following completion of a highly classified project).
It should be noted that the APP program boasts an enviable record of continuing benefits to the survivors of all nine previously deceased accomplices. They had been APP participants before a mysterious malady caused them to shrivel up, turn dark brown, and expire. The CDC has labeled the malady “PFS”, or “Pruned Forger Syndrome.”
VI. Participation in commerce.
- Those already on state and federal entitlement programs also get special credit for stressing assistance programs to the limit (using Cloward-Piven techniques).
- Any taxable income in the last 10 years is an automatic disqualifier.
And finally, the truism of the day:
“Arguing with Liberals is like playing chess with a pigeon, no matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon is just going to knock over the pieces, crap on the board, and strut around likes it’s victorious.”- Anonymous